Short-term Faith in the Valley

Hello FT4 Tribe,

I am finally back! I apologize for the long break. I have been drafting a post since the end of June. I’ve also been in a flare since then. It has been hard finding a good moment to write when my hands are working and I can concentrate. I also wanted to make sure I had something to say that was worth reading. After Sunday I feel like I can finally post! I will share what’s been going on with me at the end of the post.

Now to the good stuff!!

Have you ever had events happen to you and you’re on a high and then all of the sudden there’s nothing happening. Nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad, just nothing. Nothing special. Nothing amazing. There may be a feeling of winds blowing causing you to sway. Or there may be storms that come that scare you. Or a feeling of just something in your way. It’s not big but it’s annoying! Well, that’s how I feel and have felt the passed few weeks. I’ve had some pretty amazing life changes happen but since things have been a little blah. Nothing amazing but nothing horrible either. Everything is just a little mundane. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for what I have!!! Some may say “who does she think she is to expect good things all the time, to expect blessings and favor all the time? Well….. why wouldn’t I? I am a believer, tithe payer, I work hard and I put good things out so I expect good things to come back to me. Plus what’s wrong with expecting amazingness 🤷🏾‍♀️. I feel like I’m just existing. I’m going through the emotions and actions on life. Kind of like I’m am on auto pilot. Have you ever felt like that?

Yesterday I was awaken at 1:30am by my dogs barking. It startled me. I woke up thinking “do I need to get my gun or is it an animal outside or can I just pray about it and go back to sleep”? I chose to pray about it and went back to sleep 😂. I cut on the fan, cooled off and went back to sleep. I try not to use the fan because being cold isn’t good for my body. Well at 3:30ish I felt pain shoot from the base of my skull to my hips. I was lying on my stomach, on my heating pad and body pillow. As bad as the pain was I couldn’t move. I wanted to get up but it hurt worse to move so I didn’t. I wondered what happened? Yesterday I was 90% pain free. I made it a point to not do much so I wouldn’t be in pain. Yet here I was IN PAIN! IN SEVERE PAIN! The fan! That darn fan!!! It got me. I couldn’t cut it off because I couldn’t move. Ugh!!! I decided I wouldn’t go to church. I didn’t want to move. The outfit I picked out was no longer appealing because it was going to touch my skin. And it’s soooo cold in church. The thought of continuing to be cold gave me anxiety because I knew that equaled more pain! I couldn’t handle more pain. I laid in the bed in pain and for hours trying to go back to sleep. I finally did because at 7:16 my alarm woke me up. Although the pain was less severe I still couldn’t move. Church started at 8am. At 8:07 I was still in bed. I wasn’t going. Then I thought “I would find a way to get up and go to work”. So I counted to 5 and pushed myself off of my bed. I threw on a dress that was long enough to cover my leggings. I wear leggings underneath to provide warmth and keep my skin protected. I got to church and my pastors wife (also my pastor) was asking the church to allow the spirit to lead the service instead of being stuck in a traditional routine. I think sometimes being so strict on how service should look could cause people to miss their blessing 🤷🏾‍♀️. Afterwards another female minister got up to preach. Typically I am not thrilled when we have guest speakers. Today was no different. I had already reached my goal of just going to church. I didn’t really expect anything else while there. Now, the woman that spoke was anointed but I just didn’t feel like listening. (Wheewwww in hindsight I see that spirit almost messed me up).

Her message was about being desperate for God to move. I thought that was pretty cool. Then she gave these lyrics by Smokie Norful

Not a second of another minute.

Not an hour of another day

But at this moment with my arms outstretched

I need you to make a way

That got my attention. That’s exactly how I have been feeling the last few hours. Like Lord come now! Heal me now! Help me now! She spoke from Mark 5. The story of Jesus raising the woman from the dead. Of course I love this story. I mean who doesn’t get excited about hearing of Jesus preforming miracles! In the middle of her short (🙌🏾) sermon I heard “valley” in my spirit. That was kind of odd because it didn’t really have anything to do with what I was hearing from the word. I heard it several more times so I wrote it down to go research it later. To summarize the a man asked Jesus to help his dead young daughter arise. There were people around who taunted him and ask why was he bothering Jesus when the girl was already dead. Jesus heard them and told him “don’t be afraid, just believe” (Mark 5:36). Jesus then put all of them out!! Sounds like what we need to do when we are praying and believing for something but we are around people who don’t believe in us or that He will do it. Let the haters go! Cut them off! Get away from them! If you can’t move them then move yourself!! Jesus separated them so He could perform a miracle! STOP THE PRESSES! Think about that for a min! How many times did He separate you so He could bless you? Whew!!!! At the end of her story she said “my purpose today is to encourage you and tell you what that it may be hard or overwhelming but God is coming to your aide and pray for you who need help”. She called for people with cancer to come down. Not me. She called for something else. Wasn’t me. Then she said “if you need healing from anything”. I thought “I already got prayer for this. I already believe I’m healed. I can’t keep going up there for the same thing”. See how quick the enemy works? He shot his shot🙄.

Well I went anyway. I got to the altar and stood in the long line of others who needed prayer. As I was standing there the choir sang “We claim a healing” over and over. I began to feel like I was going to battle. I was getting stronger! Like maybe I was going to be ok. Then I heard “valley” again. Tears started running down my face. Sometimes you gotta just let it go.

As she got closer to me I began preparing what I was going to say, how I was going to say it and how to throw in prayer for someone close to me too. Ok y’all ready for more awesomeness?

Pause for dramatic effect

The spirit filled healing team of two got to me me and they spoke! One said “God told me it was you” the other followed with “it’s your feet and legs” as she knelt down to pray over my shoeless feet. Y’all!!!!!! I was straight up ugly crying, body shaking and crying out. Did y’all catch that? I was preparing and coming up with a plan BUT when they got to me I didn’t have to say a word because they already knew! All I had to do was come down!!!! So many times we are preparing and planning when God has already worked it out. He is just waiting on us. Waiting to see if we will be obedient and be faithful! They prayed over me and my body followed by my Pastor who sealed the prayer! Why did I break down (other than this)? I broke down because at that moment I knew He heard me. I knew He knew my name. Out of all of the places, all the people in the room, He told her my name! I was feeling so unworthy, insignificant, unimportant, forgotten and over looked! But ohhhhhh BUT GOD! He knows my name! He knows my cry like a parent knows the cry of their child mixed in with 100 other cries. I am (we are) that important to Him!

As if that wasn’t enough in Sunday school we studied 1 Samuel 1:9. This is the story of barren Hannah. Verse says 19 “and God remembered her”. Now God was just showing out!!! So like Him! Going above and beyond for His children!

Short Term Faith:

Sometimes it’s hard to keep my eyes on Him and my faith strong when I am in so much pain I can’t see my way out. Or when: I can’t physically see, the pain is so great I can’t breathe, I’m having panic attacks when I look at the weather for the week and see rain, I feel like I’m walking on bone that are breaking, having panic attacks for an unknown reason. It’s hard to remember the Son in the middle of the storm 😉. Now my long- term faith is unwavering! I know that He is the I am. I know He will heal me of this regardless of what the doctor says. But my short/term needs work! But how do I do that? By putting more word in me! By reading it, listening to it, studying it. By talking to Him and telling Him how I feel and LISTENING to Him. How is your short-term faith? If it’s not as strong as your long-term think of some ways to work on it. If you have something that’s worked for you then please share in the comments section.

The Valley:

The typical definition is a low area between hills or mountains. The Bible, however, refers to the valley in several different context. It can be a place of healing, restoration, decision making, suffering m, and battles. A few of the many valleys talked about it the Bible are:

Valley of Shadow of Death: dark and hopeless place

Valley of Eschol: a place of decision making

Valley of Kidron (Jehoshaphat)- where battles take place

So after researching “Valley” I began to think how does this relate to me and what I’ve been going through and feeling lately? I realize that I am in my valley. I am in a place/season in life where God is holding me if you will. Where He is showing me things, making sure I am where He needs me to be before He can take me to the next level. I’m facing trials, defeating giants, making decisions and learning to rest. My trials are mental and physical. Ive said before that for me it’s a cycle. My physical state effect my mental state. Then my mental effects my physical. For example: my pain levels shoot up and after so much time of being in pain I have a panic attack. Nausea sets in. Stress that I’m dying cause I can’t breathe and wondering will the pain end sets in and makes the attack last longer. Then my body shuts down. It’s a crazy and unfair cycle!

This entire day was a set up!!! God was waiting on me to see if I would do my part by showing up at church. It was a sacrifice but comparing it to His….there is no comparison. He showed me and told me that He hears me and then he showed me where I was in life. Those times where God comes in and cancels all of your doubt are the moments that just put you in awe!! I have to learn to keep the faith and remember that He will heal me in the hard moments. That short-term faith while I’m here in my valley.

Prayer request:

– Angela: healing in kidneys

– Vic: healing in kidneys

– Gunner: continued healing in Brain stem

– Nathan: continued healing in brain and body

– L. M: increase in sleep

– W.B: give peace and strength

– R.C: comfort for family due to a death

– all suffering from mental & physical illnesses

– those fighting cancer

– those fighting depression

– those fighting an invisible illness

I really hope that this has at least made you think. Please leave me a comment! I love reading your thoughts. If you are interested in what’s been going on with me keep reading. If not, have an amazing day!!!

The last few months have been tough! I have made it because of God, encouragement from my mom and dad, prayers from my friends, support from my boyfriend and my Zumba friends! Over the past few weeks panic attacks have come back. I’ve had 3. I’m really not sure of the cause but I think they are pain related. I’ve also been under a lot of stress. I started a business, family stuff and my body is tired. I rest a lot but my body is still exhausted.

Symptoms:

– blurry vision

– muscle fatigue

– muscle cramping

– skin sensitive to touch, air and clothing

– sensitivity to cold

– leg and feet pain

– pain in ribs and chest

– difficultly concentrating

– extreme exhaustion

– lower back pain

– hip pain

– difficultly breathing

– sensitivity to smell. Lately I’ve been smelling like a spicy metal. It’s very random yet aversive!! I smell it in: colognes, perfumes, chapstick, sir freshener, taste it in all sprite and some Mountain Dew 🤷🏾‍♀️.

These are some of the memes that have helped me. Fibro followers I’m sure you can relate. Everyone else probably can too lol.

Obviously this…..

It’s crazy how sitting can exhaust me. The other day I drove home from around the corner and I needed to rest when I got there. 😂😂😂

Well…until God heals me! I will not be doing this for the rest of my life. I have plans!!! Like being a wife, mom and business owner that’s active in everything!!

Pretty much🤷🏾‍♀️And to cope with all of the changes and accept my limitations.

Weather gives me straight up anxiety. I look and calm myself down at the same time.

I made it to the gym 3 days in a row and then my flare got worse. Every time I try and get in a routine my pain gets worse and I have to stop. My mind wants to go everyday but my body is like “uhhhh no” But I am down a total of 14lbs!! I’m excited!

Have an amazing week! Thank you all for encouraging and following me on this journey!!

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Yo!!!! I’m Tired

This is exactly how I feel right now. I have been in a flare for 22 days. I. am. tired. I am pushing through and I honestly feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I cant breathe. Well I can but its hard. Anxiety is trying to come back but i’m honestly to tired to have an attack. LOL

Let me regress…..

Hey guys!!!! How rude of me to not greet you all.  Especially after such a long time away. This post will not be long because I am exhausted (in case you didn’t catch that earlier).

I have started so many post and deleted them or not felt like completing them. I even started recording some so you could see me in real life……. and then I did not post those. Sorry 🤦🏾‍♀️

How I have been feeling:

I’ve actually been really good. Life is great. My friends and family are great. My relationship is great and so has my health been.

And Then:

Starting June 30th while in church my body begin to flare up. Crazy part was it was while the preacher was preaching. I had a vision of me being in pain. Now I assumed it was the devil playing with me and attempting to distract me from the word of God. He is so sneaky. So I rebuked him and kept listening. By the end of service I could barely walk. I made it to my car and went home. Almost every day since I have been in a flare. I have had a few good days in between and let me say they were amazing!!!! A family member referenced those days being almost manic.  They are right. I have so much energy and get so much done and then I crash. It is really crazy.

Current Symptoms:

  • inadequate coping skills
  • nausea
  • constant blurred vision
  • extreme exhaustion
  • irritability
  • pain and weakness in legs
  • pain in lower back
  • numbness in hands
  • inability to concentrate

Overall these are not too bad. I’ve dealt with worse. I have to remind myself of this FACT!! I’ve dealt with and made it through worse!!

Life:

I am still in school and am working on an assignment that has me completely stressed out!! It is due soon so hopefully that will give me mental relief.  I am working three jobs and am trying to get my business off of the ground. I am nervously excited. I know it will work out. All of this will work in my favor! I celebrated my 34th Birthday on 7/14/19 and it was a good day! I have an event Sunday to collect school supplies for those in need in my area. I currently have 7 families that have reached out to me or that I was told about. I pray we collect enough on Sunday to meet all of their needs. I am so excited to be back working in my community!!! I kind of feel like “hahaha take that stupid Fibro”.

Life is good. I am good. Fibro is not BUT I have not allowed it to define me thus far and I WILL NOT start now.

Ok that is all for now. Thank you guys for going on this journey with me and encouraging me!!! It means way more than I could ever say.

Peace, Love, and Joint cream

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Fibro Awareness Q&A

Hey F4 Tribe!!!! May 12th was Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!!! It was also Mother’s Day! I have waited to post because I didn’t want to mix the days plus I wanted to just celebrate her day without anything else. I have seen a lot of post on Instagram where people are posting pictures comparing a “fibro day” and a “typical face the world day”. I realized I don’t have any of those. I don’t capture those days because for me they are UGALY!! Yes, I meant to spell it that way.  While thinking about what else I could do I decided to do a question and answer post. I ask my social media profiles if they had any questions they wanted answered regarding Fibromyalgia. I should have restricted it to only Fibro and not my Fibro because some of the questions were down right rude. I’ll answer a few of them.  So here goes……

  1. How long have you had Fibro? First sign of pain 2/10/17
  2. Who is your doctor? I am now seeing Dr. Chen
  3. What gives you relief? Rest, heating pad, pain reliever and muscle relaxers (mixed)
  4. Did you go to Dr. Dick? Yes I was a patient of his. I had NO issues with him.
  5. Why do you need attention? There are several other things I could do to get attention without being in pain. I blog about it because there are others that are going through this too.
  6. How do you still teach Zumba if you’re hurting? I can push through almost anything. I have a very high pain tolerance level BUT I will cancel if need be. I have also learned to not do high impact the entire class and to listen to my body.
  7. Has Fibro affected your life? I posted about this earlier. I never would have imagined all of the different areas that having Fibro would have
  8. Does weather affect your pain? Cold weather an d rain make me pretty miserable
  9. Have you had hair loss? Yes
  10. How did you know that you had Fibro? This was my very first post. Please go back and read it for a more thorough answer. Short version: I didn’t know. I had pain, muscle spasms that lasted 45+ min. They did all kinds of testing to rule out other diseases. They settled on FIBRO. At first I was apprehensive because I felt like it was an “I don t know what’s wrong with you so I’m going to just say you have Fibro. I had nerve testing done an various other test.
  11. Cold hands and feet? YES!!! It’s very annoying. Sometimes I can be working out and dripping in sweat and my fingertips will be white and freezing or my hands will be glowing pink.
  12. Do you get tired easily? Yes! Sometimes walking to the kitchen from my room is difficult and I have to sit and rest.
  13. What keeps you going? People depend on me every day. I am one of those people. I can’t stop because someone else will suffer or my dreams will. That is not an option!
  14. Does barometric pressure bother you? Yes, Please see my last post “Baro Who”. The rain typically zaps my energy and increases my pain
  15. What are your symptoms? Pain all over and in various places, blurry vision, muscle fatigue, muscle cramps, exhaustion, sweat at random times, brittle nails, dry hair, random fevers, skin sensitive to touch, brain fog
  16. What does it feel like? Like I just ran a thousand miles and i’m dehydrated and exhausted.
  17. Do you have children? Did it make it worse during pregnancy? I do not have children yet. I pray not!! I have heard stories of it getting better during pregnancy.
  18. Does it make you feel like you’re letting your family down? I do sometimes feel like this. I use to feel bad all the time but I am working on allowing family and friends in and let them know what’s going on.
  19. Do you wear special shoes? Um no. lol. Sometimes I wear tennis shoes to keep my feet warm because they ache when they are cold. I do wear leggings a lot because pants with seams hurt my skin sometimes.
  20. Does it ever make your eyes go cross? Cross? No! Blurry, foggy and black sometimes though
  21. Have you tried weed or CBD oil? If so did it help? I did and yes it does! Probably the last time I was pain free!! If they legalize it I won’t be in pain anymore!!!
  22. Have you tired holistic treatment? I have. As well as a cleanse to detox my blood. It was hard but I think if I had stayed on it I would have seen more results.
  23. I think it’s fake. This is a REAL statement not a question
  24. How do you cope with stress? Does stressing make your pain worse? Stress makes it all worse!! I PRAY, read inspirational messages, try and keep a positive mindset and stay away from people who disturb my peace and bring back negative thoughts or feelings
  25. Do you have lumps on your hands or feet or any joints? No sometimes they get hot or swell
  26. When you got the shots did they help? YES!!!!!!! If you can stand to get them then they are worth it. I did learn to relax and take it easy all day on the day I get the shot. It definitely helped!!
  27. What helps your pain? Sleep, ibuprofen and muscle relaxers. I take way too much a day but It keeps the pain at bay without being admitted to the hospital
  28. Do you have skin problems? Random outbreaks and sensitivity but nothing major. I have had sensitive skin all of my life
  29. Are you in pain every day? Yes! Ev-ery-sin-gle day! Some days are far more bearable than others
  30. What is the thing you feel like you lost or miss most? Ok so I will try not to get all “holy” BUT I am going to say that I feel like I didn’t lose because I feel everything happens for a reason and I God is going to restore whatever I lost. Now, with that being said obviously there are things I miss doing or feeling like: running on the treadmill, having energy all day, not being in pain or having to think about what I wear, losing weight when I am trying. But I think the thing
    I miss the most is trusting my body! I don’t know where the pain is going to come from or when it will hit. I have to now prepare for leg pain (crutches in my trunk) pain reliever (constantly in my purse, work bag and gym bag) eyes drops and heating pad on hand.
  31. Do you try rubs or any ointment over the counter? I try various muscle relaxers and OTC pain patches
  32. Do you have anxiety? Is it related to Fibro? Yes and Yes. Although I realize it is more when the pain is high and my emotional threshold is low
  33. How do you feel? tired
  34. Do you ever just want to not get out of the bed? Constantly lol. But most of the time I feel worse lying down.
  35. Why do you say “I’m Ok” knowing you aren’t? Well, I feel it’s easier to just say that and let people go on vs telling them and they have to fee l bad for me. Talking about it doesn’t help.
  36. How has it affected your emotions? I will say that I am less empathetic to people who complain about the slightest thing. I am working on it though.
  37. Did you have to stop working? No, I am still working full time and teaching Zumba.

Whew!!!!! That was a lot. Thank you guys for responding to my post. I truly hope that you have gained some type of insight. I feel so exposed lol! Below are a few memes that represent what I or others may feel at times.

I will do another post like this maybe at the end of summer! Thank you guys again for following me, standing with me in prayer and sending kind messages I truly appreciate it!

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Baro Who?

Hello my F4 Tribe!!!

My my has it been a while since I have blogged!!! 2 months!!!!I will attempt to catch you up on life, well what’s been going on in my life. I kind of wish this was a dialogue because I would love to know what you all have been doing. Soooo…. feel free to leave me a quick synopsis of what’s going on under the comments section at the bottom.

Ok so this will be  two part post because I really want to update you BUT  I also want to talk to you about today’s topic; which is……………….. Barometric pressure!!! I absolutely hate it but I am excited to talk about it.

So what is this barometric pressure?

Barometric pressure is atmospheric pressure. (definition from google) I know I know, so official.

How does it affect humans? Well let me tell you what I have been told and experienced.

When asked the question “How does barometric pressure effect you” people with various illnesses said:

  • “I.feel.like.crap”
  • “my head feels like it’s going to pop off”
  • “my back hurts, my shoulders hurt and so do my feet”
  • “I can move”
  • “well, I’ve been in bed all day”
  • “doesn’t bother me much”
  • “my skin hurts on my hands and my legs”

So as I am typing my fingers are beginning to ache and my fingertips are burning as if I have touched something hot. How ironic! And this is why I am making this post. This will be a one part post now. Gotta role with the Fibro punches! So typically hours, sometimes a day before the rain my body begins to hurt. Since my accident I have had no days without pain. That is technically called a “Fibro Flare”. So essentially the traumatic experience or impact of the wreck sent my body into a  flare. And now is raining. I woke up this morning with elevated neck pain, elevated back pain, aching in my limbs, my face (cheek bones and jaw bones) shoulder pain and now my fingers are aching. The ache is similar to a cold, dull yet throbbing pain deep inside the bone. Flares can often be caused by: weather, physical or mental exhaustion or mental/emotional stress. The Fibromyalgia Support Group on Facebook that I speak of sometimes has countless examples of traumatic events that cause people to flares. For example: divorce, cheating spouse, illness of a child or death of friend of family member, car accidents, physical accidents, the common cold, strep  and other illnesses. There is so much that can trigger a flare. Each person is different and each Fibro case is different. Mine started off with extreme muscle cramps that lasted 45 min on average. The symptoms graduated to me not being able to walk sometimes and panic attacks. Now I just have severe pain all over my body. I rarely have pain where I can’t at least walk with a limp (lean with rock with it, haha) or push through it. I may be covered in pain patches BUT I AM MAKING IT!

Other symptoms like headaches, surgery scar tissue or plates, or increased maladaptive behaviors can be caused by barometric pressure change.

Well guys I am going to go rest and my hands have had enough of typing! I have Zumba tonight. YES I STILL TEACH! Now you knew better than to think that. Love you all!!

General Things I’m praying for:

  1. A baby that accidentally shot himself with a nail gun I think (some type of tool). He’s fighting for his life
  2. The family of the 15 year old who killed himself
  3. My friend who has not had more than 3 hours of sleep a night for the past 4-5 months
  4. 2 of my church family members who have broken bones
  5. All who have chronic or mental illnesses who suffer in silence

Songs that are keeping me going:

(ok so….pretty much the entire Songs for the Storm, Vol.1)

And of course my favorite because HE IS tending to me. He sees me. He is keeping me. I am His sheep and He is my Shepherd. And He will come see about me! HE will heal me! Ok let me stop because I when I think about how He is going to heal my bod y from this pain and this illness they say they don’t have a cure from I GET EXCITED and I CAN’T HELP BUT PRAISE HIM!!! WHEWWWWWW! He is So Good!

Have an amazing week Tribe and don’t forget to let me know how you are. Have you had or do you know anyone who experiences symptoms from barometric pressure? If so let me know!!

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730 Days

Today 2/10 makes 2 years since the initial pain. 2 years, 730 days of uncertain and unwarranted pain.

I remember talking to my nephew while standing in the self-checkout line at Walmart when my calf muscles started burning. I thought I needed new shoes. I remember taking my shoes off to try and ease the pain. It didn’t work. By the time we reached our destination the majority of my body had locked up leaving me unable to move. I remember being terrified because this was a pain I had never felt before.

Fast forward 730 days and I’m in bed with tears in my eyes from more pain I’ve not felt before. I’ve been up since 3am. I initially thought it was a crick in my neck from sleeping wrong. The right side of my neck/shoulder has been tight for a few days. At 2 am I felt myself trying to stretch between my shoulder blades and readjust. At 3am I woke up screaming from a pulling burning pain that felt like it was gripping my flesh and nerves and pulling them away from my bones. The pain is sitting in the middle of my shoulders and radiating up my neck to the back of my head. There’s so much pressure I can barely see. It’s also across both shoulders.

I am also nursing an injured knee. So my right knee hurts and my left leg and Achilles stays tight. Not to mention my rib cage, lower back and hips 🤷🏾‍♀️😂. I was using crutches but that made my underarms hurt and nope!!! I need something to feel ok lol. My walk is ugly and slow BUT I’m walking.

I cut Pandora on to help me get moving. I needed some praise music. I needed to be in His presence. I could feel the enemy starting to remind me of failures and negative thoughts “it’s been 2 years. He hasn’t healed you. You’re going to be in pain forever”. I quickly cut the music up. Y’all the playlist for the first few songs was:

    This is a move https://youtu.be/8I7nJSKCgo0
    Blessed https://youtu.be/5TSEW94w9kY

As I was crossing the bridge I could hear “just drive on off. It’s gotta be better than feeling like this”. I started screaming His name! I needed Him. “Keep me God” “Keep my mind, heal my body, Come see about me God”. I screamed all the way to the gas station. Then on the radio I heard:

    He’ll Take the Pain Away https://youtu.be/Ud5X7NzwV_c
  • I got to church and the sang:
  • 1. So Glad I Made it https://youtu.be/mEv6KdGmESY
  • This song says “if you see me crying, it’s just a sign that I’m still alive. In spite of the storm and rain, heartache and pain… He’s building my testimony”. Annnnnd cue the ugly cry, swollen lips and bloodshot eyes. The devil is a lie! I made it through. I will make it through. He will heal me and it WONT always be like this!
  • Today has been a hard day. I have been as war internally and physically all day. I’m battling with the enemy over my mind and my body. It’s frustrating because I want to be healed. I’ve fasted, prayed, sowed seeds, cried, believed and trusted, been prayed over and changed my life and I have NEW SYMPTOMS! Why? Why God! Why is my healing not here? Where are you? He is here. This is hard and sometimes it feels like it may take me out BUT it won’t! I almost threw in the towel BUT God was right there wiping my face with it. He was holding on to he steering wheel when I drove. He was my vision when I couldn’t see. He is holding me together when I’m falling apart and He’s pushing me when I can’t take another step.
  • Past symptoms:
    • Nausea
      Blurred/ no vision
      Pain in fingers, hands, toes, feet
      Burning pain under feet
      Burning skin
      Locked jaw
      Easily exhausted
      Heavy random sweat
      Skin changes
      Broken and weakened fingernails
      Fatigued muscles
      Achy cold bones
      Swelling
      IBS
      Back pain
      Facial pain
      Depression
      Weight gain
      Foggy brain
      All day stiffness
      Bursitis In hips and butt
      Nerve damage
  • Now add in the trigger points and I think that’s it. This disease has certainly covered more aspects of my life than I ever imagined it would.
  • Past treatments (because they worked or didn’t work for me doesn’t mean anything for anyone else)
    • Gabapentin: didn’t work
      Lyrica: didn’t work
      Tramadol: doesn’t work
      Cymbalta: didn’t work
      Tumeric: doesn’t work
      Celebrex: works but didn’t like side effects
      Omega Red 4- in- 1: maybe
      Vitamin D: undecided
      Magnesium: undecided

    I’m sure there are more but I can’t remember.

  • In 2 years I have been lower than I ever imagined. I’ve also learned more about me than I ever thought. I’ve learned to ask questions, don’t take “no” or “I don’t know” for an answer when it comes to my health. I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be ok. I’ve learned to lean on others. I have an absolutely amazing support system. They help hold me up. We depend on each other!! I’ve learned that my body depends on me to eat better and it DOES NOT like meds. I have learned to depend on God and to find a positive in EVERY SINGLE SITUATION.
  • “Despite calamity He still has a plan for me and it’s working for my good”

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    Tin Woman

    Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

    Fibromyalgia is diagnosed by general pain all over and pain in 18 (9 pairs) pressure points as indicated by red dots.

    I rarely have pain in all of them. Thank God!! Recently I have had pain in 6/9 of them (black circles). In addition I had nerve related pain across my upper back, muscle spasms in my right upper back, pain the the center of my hands and feet, burning in my hip that radiates fire down to my thigh, pain in my tail bone and fire in my legs. The extra pain is circled in blue. The days have been hard but I managed to work and have a partial social life and go to church!!! I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like a tin man. Everything is tight and hurts.

     Thursday:

    Ok so I fell asleep last night before I posted. This morning has not started off awesome physically but I am making it. I know people are praying for me and that is keeping me going today. I am trying to keep my mind busy and maybe it wont realize I am in pain. It’s not working yet but hey i’m hopeful lol. Today I really don’t feel good or even ok.

    Friday:

    Last was great! We had an amazing Zumba class. It always does my soul good to be around the women in my class. There is so much love and support in that one room. It’s so refreshing!!!

    I forgot my shoes so I had to wear my converse. I wasn’t elated but thought….. I see other instructors teach in them so it’ll be fine! I got this, I’ll be fine! I mean my feet were already hurting so it couldn’t really get worse. It didn’t! I made it! Now I was tired and won’t ever wear those again but…. I made it! Heading home I was almost in tears thinking about walking Cade 🐶. A friend came and walked him for me. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 I am so thankful for the people in my life!

    It’s 4am and I’ve been up for awhile due to radiating pain in my thighs, calf’s and feet. The bones in my feet feel like they’re breaking AND IM STILL LAYING DOWN!!!! I am dreading getting up.

    Self-check/transparent moment: I am noticing I am developing a fear or some type of anxiety when I think about moving or facing the pain. Hmm, I’m use to the go getter mindset! What is this? Adding this to my prayer journal. Gotta figure it out and squash that! IMMEDIATELY! God has not given me a spirit of fear BUT the Lord has given me power, love and a sound mind!!! Devil I see you 👀. Get that mess out of here!! (2 Timothy 1:7)

    And we’re back! Ok let me get up and walk the dog and get ready for work! I got this!!!

    I haven’t moved yet… 20 min later

    “Ok on the count of 3 I’m getting up and just doing it”

    Today has been long and hard and I’m going to bed.

    Saturday:

    OMG IT IS 60+ degrees and the sun is out!! I feel so amazing! So adventurous! So ready for anything! So I feel so alive!!! I rested about 3 hours, slept for 2 last night but magically I feel good! Well better lol. Good, I’m not sure I remember what that feels like🤷🏾‍♀️. I have so much to do today but I can get it all done and be back in bed by 5pm!

    Ready. Set. Let’s do this……

    Today was so great! I did make myself rest a few hours just because when I feel good I start feeling like superwoman then the next day I feel it in every fiber of my being. But I went to the batting cages tonight! And went 2 rounds!!!!!! I haven’t done that in years. Ahhhhh it’s been such a good day. I’m laying across my bed just reminiscing over all of the events of the day. I’m so blessed!! I pray it is pretty out tomorrow as well 🙏🏾

    Sunday:

    Happy Sunday people!!!!! This morning I started off my day with a prayer to heal a friend and within a few hours they were feeling better. I know that God is NOT a respecter of persons so I know that my healing is coming!! Complete restoration of every moment I lost hurting, joy for every tear I cried, rest for every night I laid awake and movement!!!! I will move freely and fluidly again without the concern of pain. And most of all I will share how God healed my body and those problems I USE to have I DONT HAVE ANYMORE!! “But your condition is chronic and there is no cure”. That’s what man says BUT God, My GOD says:

    “For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭30:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.”

    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    I pray your week is amazing!! Talk to me. What scripture keeps you going? What quote helps you when you’re down?

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    The Year of the Turn Up

    HEYYYYYY F4 Tribe!!! Geez how I have missed you. So before I get started let me say I have so many drafted post that I will post soon but I wanted to talk to you guys ASAP. With that being said, of course my fingers are not wanting to co-operate at them moment but I promised a lady that I would post soon. Today is soon!!

    Welcome to the brand new year!!! So we are all used to hearing “New year, new me” but I am the same me in this new year.

    So what does this mean for me? Glad you asked! This has got to be the year I turn myself up! I expect more from me. More focus on my goals, more initiative go accomplish my goals. More focus on being who God wants me to be and turning up my fitness level to get more healthy! I’m turning up the volume on my life!

    So how will I do this? Meal prep, cardio, weights and Zumba class.

    Well….. so I started writing this post 2 weeks ago. Things have changed since then. I was getting in the habit of running and class and working (walking) and well to make a long story short my body hated it! As a matter of fact God send me two, YES TWO messages through two women of God! One while I was preparing to pass out from the pain. I have been feeling more faint lately but have only actually passed out once. Crazy how your body can just say “hey, this is too much. BRB”. The WOG (woman of God) text me and then called me. I know it was God because of the things she said. She wouldn’t have known that. Then that Sunday I made myself go to church and my WOG came and prayed for me because I was tugging at her spirit. Talking about a blow to my spirit and mental state!! I have not ran since then. I am watching what
    I eat but not like I should. I really have to be more cautious of what I put in my body.

    Update:

    My current state of mind: exhausted, stressed and unable to remain focused.

    My current health: Fibro is back. Which is sad because other than a few random not great days, I have been feeling pretty good. The past 2 weeks have been not so great. The past week my vision has been very blurry, pain has increased, all day stiffness, lower back pain has been at a steady 8/10, I’ve been in a constant state of nausea. But I have been able to keep food down the last few days so woop woop! Chewing has been hard and my face hurts. I kind of feel like someone punched me in the eye a few times.

    School: starting up again in March. I have enjoyed this brief break!!

    Fitness classes: I have dropped down to teaching two classes a week and that is really all my body can take right now. It saddens me but I have to accept this is where I am right now.

    Medical: I was take Celebrex but gained a lot of weight really fast and it made my legs feel heavy. Make no mistake when the pain becomes awful (by my standards) I will take one. As many of you know my rheumatologist/ pain specialist was found guilty of inappropriate conduct of over 20 women…….ugh! He knew he was guilty and could have said something. He left a lot of people stranded. Anyway I have been without a doctor since October. Well, I finally got in to see one! My appointment is at the end of February, Praise God!!! He is suppose to be really good with fibro and offers things such as water therapy, pain therapy, needling and of course the shots! I never thought I would miss those horrible shots but Lawd Jezus shoot me up!! I am sleeping more but feeling less rested. I’m not sure why? My multi-vitamins and spark by Advocare (which I love) is NOT working.

    Work: equals stress and motivation to keep going to school and have my own! That is all!

    Life: overall my life is amazing!! I am learning more about me daily! Becoming closer with God, my family and friends. I’m forming healthy relationships and letting go of toxic ones. My classes are full of loyal ladies and I am told weekly how awesome I am at what I do (flips hair..I know right). HaHa. Seriously, I still love what I do. I am elated at watching myself grow and I love the me I am becoming!!

    The Turn Up: Honestly ya’ll, I don’t even know. Where to begin or what to do. So I am just praying. I do know that

    “he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake”

                                                                                                                      – Psalm 23:3 NIV

    Before I go I do want to share one of the messages God gave me this week. As I was riding to work fighting back the tears, because ya’ll know how I feel about myself crying, God said “Don’t be afraid to be the lamb because you’ve got a lion behind you”! YALLLLLLLLLLL!!! If you didn’t catch that let me break it down for you. I am the lamb. The weaker more meek and smaller animal.  God is the ferocious, handle all things, king of the jungle, strong and mighty lion. I am getting happy typing it! So what I took from that is that it’s ok for me to be weaker, for me to cry and not be mighty because baby I have The almighty, all knowing, healing, waymaking, turning it around, restoring, mind clearing, peace giving and body healing God behind me!!!! OHHHHH He is so good!!!!

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