Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Hey guys!!! Last Tuesday I began writing a post to talk about how well I have been feeling lately! The good things that are happening. How my friends and family are doing. I just wanted to share something positive with you guys because I feel like I’m always complaining and that doesn’t describe me adequately. If you know me you know I try and not complain.
However, Wednesday hit and fibro came back with a vengeance. I’m talking mental, emotional and physical! Like a tornado of crap hit all at once. Needless to say I am going to postpone posting that blog because I want to feel the joy I felt writing it when I post it.
Sooooooo……. since Wednesday I have probably gotten 10 hours of sleep. Yeah it sucks!!!! I feel the cycle starting and the enemy attacking. I said earlier ” I can be strong but it’s like he’s always attacking. Waiting on an opening. He’s gnawing at the bone waiting for it to break off” but as the Bible says the devil roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. BUT I serve a God who also never sleeps or stops working!!!!! Where I am weak He is strong. And this week if it was based on my own accord then I know the devil would have won BUT OHHHHHH to be kept by God!!!
———insert praise break———-
So fast forward to yesterday. My legs have been aching at the bone and my neck has been feeling tired like I just can’t hold it up. Of course I do!! My lower back aches and the inside of my hip bone burns and the bursitis is back. I’ve never felt this before. Oh and my teeth/gum pain is back.
I make it through the breast cancer walk, visit my friend in the hospital and head to bed lol. I slept about an hour then it was time for church this morning.
I woke up feeling like “why should I go” “I’m in so much pain” “No one will even notice” “I’m too tired” “I just want to quit”. Now if the first few thoughts weren’t enough to make you see that the devil was attacking my mind then look at the last one!!!!! Seriously!??? Just that fast I thought about “not being here”. I knew then I was going to church!!! What’s the reasoning? Why waste time going to church when you can have church at home? Well because sometimes the battle is too big and you need to support of your army! Think about it….even the greatest soldier goes to war with his batoon! I know what some of you may be thinking “you said God was all you need”. Well you’re right! I did!!! And He thought enough of me to give me a family who Knows Him, believes in and seeks after Him!!! Church, the right church, is a place where the broken can go and be made whole. The right church doesn’t judge you but they accept you, love and encourage you right where you are!!!! I love my church!!!!
I digress. So I get there and the worship service was for me!!!!! I had to hang my head an ugly cry! Listen to the songs:
I believe by James Fortune and FYA
I believe the storm will soon be over.
I believe the rain will go away
I believe it’s already done
See yourself out of the storm. The clouds will move. It’s time to smile again!
this blessing is pre-approved!
I believe that my God is a healer and I believe that I will survive!
I believe that God is able.
It’s already done!
I believe God’s going to do it.
He’s going to do it for you!
It’s Done by Anita Wilson
What I shall be I already am.
My eyes may not see it. By faith I believe it.
God is working it out on my behalf.
It’s already done.
Talking about crying!!!! I was CRYYYYY-ing!
Now I’m sitting in church with my hip burning from the outside in. Causing my body to shake and my teeth are aching. Seriously 🤷🏾♀️ So I tuned in harder. If the devil is trying this hard then there must be something I need to hear!
Then I went for prayer at alter call. How did my Pastors wife know what was happening??? I didn’t tell her. Anyway she prayed them my pastor prayed! He has the gift of healing.
Talking about being rejuvenated!!
Now yes I am still in severe pain. Yes I am uncomfortable but still smiling. I KNOW I WILL make it!!!!
I am ready to fight this week. Yeah it’s a war BUT I’m showing up and I’m ready to fight!!!
Now here is what I haven’t been doing that I usually do:
1. Didn’t pay my tithe (for those of you who know how important this is I could truly stop there). Paid it today!!!
2. Haven’t spent time with my boo (God) so I don’t feel as close to Him as I have been. Funny how that works.
3. I’ve eaten horribly and my water intake is still drastically lacking
4. No sleep #TeamNoSleep (people post that like it’s cool. I don’t want to be that cool) #TeamImSleepy
Hopefully I sleep tonight!
5. Lack of me time
I will make an effort to change these things this week!
Things to pray for this week:
1. My healing: mentally, physically, financially and emotionally
2. My bible study friends lung collapsed and she’s in the hospital
3. My cousins mom who is starting dialysis soon
4. My mom as she prepares to head out of town
5. My dads health. He never speaks about it but I know he has joint issues as well
6. My friend who has inflamed intestines
7. My friends mom who is awaiting her results to see if she has cancer. And my friend who is her support system while he is dealing with life’s ups and downs
8. My sister
9. My friend who has been dealing with a migraine for a week now
10. All of those who suffer from chronic illnesses and their support system
I pray for each of you reading this post. That God will bind up any affliction that you may be faced with. That He heals you and gives you peace. That He provides clarity on things you can’t see clearly and that you feel His presence with you as you face this week. I pray you know you are not alone in whatever you have going on. I pray He gives you strength to continue to endure until He delivers you!! Trouble does not last always. Joy comes on the mourning! Cry!!! Cry hard!!! Joy is coming!!! Lord we trust you! We worship and adore you. We know that you are Lord and we call you that! You are mighty and sooo good to us. We thank you for making away when we can’t see one. Lord I ask you to continue to guide us as hold our hands as we each travel on our journey this week. Thank you for what you’ve done and what you’re going to do. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!!!
Hello F4 Tribe!!!
How are you all? I feel like you should updated on your lives too.
Let’s just dive right in!
In the last post I was having sever nausea, my gums ached and my teeth felt like they were coming out. Well all of these problems are still here 🤷🏾♀️ but I did go to the doctor!
Even though I was not feeling my best I taught my fitness class tonight….bad idea. I was ok, well I was making it, until the next to the last song. I hit a squat and I felt a rip that seemed to go across my bum. Jesus!!! I pushed through class and made it home. While in bed, not sleeping, I realized my butt has not hurt me since the last shot. At that moment I knew I was getting another injection! My thoughts were
I have no time to be down. I already can’t eat. My body keeps having random shake downs where I feel like it’s trying to shut down. AND one of my besties is getting engaged Wednesday in Birmingham….. I have to be there. And I mean just really I want some popcorn with cheese or some chicken or anything!!! Yep I’m calling the doctor
I limped into work and made the call. Surprisingly they had an opening @2:20 that afternoon! Now do you remember me talking about how incredibly long it takes at this dr???? Hours on top of hours!!! So instead of me taking off I just went when I got off @3:40. I still waited til 6 to be seen. Yes that’s 4hrs from my appt time!
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty!
I told the dr what my symptoms were…again. Why do we have to tell the person that makes the appointments, the vitals nurse, the nurse that comes in to say “he’ll be right with you” and THEN the doctor! Geez! Seems like there should be a better system or at least sticky notes!!! Anyway I digress…
1. Face feels like it’s caving in at random times. Both sides. Above and below eyes.
2. All of my teeth feel like they may come out. Jaw is locking up.
3. Severe burning/ripping pain across my butt.
4. Bursas on hips are back
5. Cyst on wrist that’s keeping me from making a fist
6. Stomach issues. Feeling full/ bloated all the time. Very gassy. Not being able to eat or drink a full protein shake.
7. Tramadol has become aversive. It last way longer than 8hours although the pain comes back around hour 3. Then I’m left feeling yuck until it wears off.
8. I’ve slept 3 hours and 46 minutes in 3 days
So after discussing each in depth here is what we decided:
1. He had me take a deep breath in through my nose. It sounded clear to me. He said it’s allergies 🤷🏾♀️ I don’t agree!
2. I can do an all liquid diet for 10 days or get cortisone injections….. IN MY FACE!!
3/4. Bursitis is back. Cortisone shots or rest for 2 weeks
5. Wear a brace… No! I’m not doing that
6. He thinks it’s Irritable Bowel Syndrome. And I have irritated my upper intestines but I feel like it irritated me! Take stool softener and it should go away….. we shall see
7. He prescribed what’s about the only drug left without me being admitted to the hospital… Percocet. I’m not taking that!!
8. He prescribed another sleep med… probably not taking that either!
I did remind him that I have come off of everything except naproxen when the pain is unbearable. It’s not working but hey whatever! Stay focused!! I also let him know I would take the prescriptions but was 80% sure I would not be taking them. I don’t want that crap in my body! He said he understood and gave me the scripts. Who cares about killing trees 🌲?
Here’s the educational slash gross part. If you are squeamish this is where you stop reading!!! 🛑 🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑🛑
So I received 4 cortisone shots varying in dosage and needle size. Two in my TMJ and two in the bursas close to my sciatic nerve.
What is Cortisone:
A type of medication that treats a wide variety of conditions, mainly by suppressing inflammation. Shots of cortisone are used to treat a range of conditions, including bursitis, gout, acne cysts and nodules, tendonitis, and different types of arthritis.
What is TMJ:
Temporomandibular joint (TMJ) syndrome is a disorder of the jaw muscles and nerves caused by injury or inflammation to the temporomandibular joint. The temporomandibular joint is the connection between the jawbone and the skull. The injured or inflamed temporomandibular joint leads to pain with chewing, clicking, crackling, and popping of the jaw; swelling on the sides of the face; nerve inflammation; headaches, including migraines; tooth grinding (bruxism); Eustachian tube dysfunction; and sometimes dislocation of the temporomandibular joint. Temporomandibular joint syndrome is also known as temporomandibular joint disorder.
The sciatic nerve is the longest nerve in your body. … The most distinctive sign of sciatica is pain that radiates from your lower back into the back or side or your legs. It can range from a mild ache to sharp, severe pain. You can also get numbness, tingling, and weakness in your leg or foot.
Jaw: liquid diet for 10 days or soft food
Butt: relax for 4-5 days
Both will be sore and still hurt until possibly the weekend.
I took off of work today so I can relax. I’ve been in bed all day. Tonight I am going to Birmingham for a close friends surprise engagement. I’m a little nervous about the drive because I’m not feeling well.
The engagement was amazing! Seeing her face was priceless and so worth the drive. I’m at home in the bed. I have to return to work tomorrow.
Today has been the longest roughest day I have had. I am tired and my body is too. I was supposed to take pictures for a flyer but it rained and that was all! I cancelled my fitness class tonight too. Even though my mind is ready my body just isn’t up for it. It’s 8pm and I’m in the bed. Thank God I made it through the day.
It’s Friday and today I can open my mouth a little when I talk. Doesn’t look weird anymore!!! I’m sitting on a heating pad all day at work. It’s cold in my building and it’s rainy outside….. my body feels like it’s going to explode! And I’m nauseated. So as of right now I feel exactly like I did before I went to the doctor. But I am hopeful that this will pass. Today I am going to try and get my pictures done for the flyer. That is all I have planned.
All should be relaxing. I pray nothing comes up.
“We set our hopes on you, we set our hopes on the one who is the everlasting God. You are the everlasting God”.
– William Murphy
This week has been a struggle. On Monday my mouth began to hurt very bad. It feels like all of my teeth are going to fall out If I open my mouth and talk or eat. My jaw has been locking up on and off. Now imagine trying to “get rid” of stuff with a locked jaw. Now whatever you imagined multiply it by 5. Yep!!!! Yuck!!!!
Today makes day 3 of not being able to eat. When I can it comes back up or I have severe stomach cramps that make it hard to sit straight up. For my teeth I’ve been using extreme strength sensodyne. I brush with it and rub it on my gums. For my stomach I’ve been eating tums like candy and drinking ginger ale. I am able to drink half a protein shake or water without to much pressure/cramping in my stomach. I have been up since 3am. I woke up with the above song on my mind.
The last few days have been really hard on my body. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to rest. However, this week I have gone to bed as soon as I get off from work. I have managed to work and teach two classes. I’m really not even sure how except BUT God!!!
Yalll I’m so hungry!!!! Do I eat and feel sick or not eat and feel sick and hungry????? I make the decision to eat but I know it’s going to be bad lol….And it has been every time🤷🏾♀️. Between my teeth and jaws hurting and my stomach cramping it has been crazy. Stress has been pretty low because I’m not really talking to anyone.
I did find out I made a B in my summer class. I’m kind of devastated but I am trying to stay calm because my body was doing all kinds of things this summer.
I called my rheumatologist and he’s closed today. I’m debating on going to the doc in the box or just waiting it out. I’m really not sure what to do.
Pray for me and whatever this is it goes away as quick as it came. I have a lot to do but this weekend is actually free. To bed I go!!!!!
“Please Lord give me strength. I’m just trying to make it through”
-I understand by Smokie Norfolk
It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie
Hello F4 Tribe!!!!
Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up
So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.
blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.
On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!
Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,
1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.
2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy
3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.
4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.
5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!
1- Birthday (33) Great day
2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting
3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!
4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.
5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.
6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!
7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.
8- started working on my mental state!!
9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1
12- started preparing for my business!!
13- went to my friends gender reveal
14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.
1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.
2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.
3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.
4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.
5- learn to say no!
Songs: This is my favorite part
Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 3:13-14 NIV
“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”
Proverbs 12:25 NIV
“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”
Ephesians 3:20 NIV
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
Matthew 6:34 NIV
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:7 NIV
“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”
Numbers 15:41 NIV
I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!
Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Hey guys!!! This week has been extremely rough. My mind and my body are not coping well. This post isn’t going to be long. Just a quick update and prayer request for my upcoming week!
Current feeling emotionally: drained, tired, wanting to quit but trying to keep pushing. Due to emotional stress I had a panic attack Friday at work. I’m just Finding understanding well trying to🤷🏾♀️
Current feeling physically: exhausted, inflamed from head to toe, skin burning, blurred vision, swollen: hands, abdomen and feet, pain in knees and shins. Cold symptoms and lady friend is here…. what a great time for a visit🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ Due to the panic attack my body is already weak. As you all know I have been off all prescribed meds since 7/19 but due to the pain I took 100mg of Tramadol yesterday. I had a reaction to it so went to the Er last night. They were no help and treated me horribly. I made it home around 1 and was able to finally get some sleep. Today has been rough but I will NOT take anything heavier than naproxen 😢 I’m so tired.
1- I need to finish school work from the last 2 months by Friday. So I need my eyes, fingers and mind to work at the same time!
2- I need to work at least 3 days this week. I need to have a calm mind and be able to concentrate to make it through the day
3- It’s a 3 fitness class week! I need my body to make it through!! M,T and Th!
4- My family is going on a trip fri- sun! I need to be ok to make it and have fun.
I know these things seem trivial but I am very overwhelmed and I feel it mentally and physically. I hope you all have a great week!!!
Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.
My life. My. Life!
Lord I am thankful for my life.
There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.
In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!
I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.
So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!
The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:
“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”
Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!
I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!
Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!
I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.
“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”
One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.
I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.
I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!
It’s like being under water and hoping that the last breath you took will be enough to get you back to the surface. Then realizing you underestimated the distance and are now in despair. Your heart pumps faster and faster, you can feel the air leaving your body but you are trying to hold on. You want to hold on! You want to make it to the surface!!
This is what the past few weeks have been like for me. The surface is my normal life! My happy go lucky attitude, my ability to be there for everyone and my desire to live life out loud! Under the water represents this disease and the current life I am living. A life of just trying to make it. Trying to smile. Remembering to breathe. Not break down crying at every moment. Not spiral out of control. To not lose my shit!!
Can’t tell? Had no idea huh? That’s because I have a Beautiful Shell! My outer appearance manages to show up, to smile, to be inviting, to fool people so they believe you when you say “I’m good” while on the inside being anything but “good”. Why the title for this particular blog? I want people to understand that often times we walk around with shells on. With a hard casing concealing or providing shelter for what’s inside. I have been wearing a Shell but for a moment I want to give you a peak on the inside.
Here goes. . .
For the last few weeks I have been depressed. Not the typical “had a bad day” sad but the “broken on the inside” sad. This has been very tough for me to admit and talk about but I received my second confirmation that I need to share. So here I am. Open. Vulnerable.
On June 30th I began feeling a sense of something isn’t right. It was as if I could see and hear everyone but they seemed to become further and further away from me. I began to pull away only talking to those who pulled convo from me. I feel lost and alone. I’ve worked with people who suffer from depression and have been around it with multiple friends but never has it hit home. I am doing the “coping skills” and “pushing forward” but I am just existing not living.
What led me here? Now that’s is a darn good question. I had a few things happen to me but nothing the old me couldn’t handle. I do believe emotional health ties into physical health. I think my body is tired of fighting mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s just too much!!! Inner turmoil is the worst kind. I know there is good. I know there is!! I see people who love me and care about me and who show me daily. But all I can see is the downs. I feel trapped. Today I remembered a picture that hung in my late grandads living room that said “when you get to the end of your rope hold on”. Well I’m holding but what do you do when you’re losing your grip or the rope is breaking? I can hear all of my moms tools that she would say when we were kids “cry! Cry real hard then get up” “give yourself a minute then wipe your tears” “go to sleep and when you wake up it will be over”. Ok the last one I heard a lot when I was grounded and couldn’t go places😂. But tools like these have been helping me my adult life. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it.
Fast forward to July 14th-my birthday was good. It had all of the right ingredients to be good. There was family time, great gifts, calls from friends… but I kept thinking about how I didn’t get to show up for my mom on her bday (7/12) and how my life is right now and I had a panic attack on my birthday.
I think it’s that my mind can’t heal because of my body and my body can’t heal because of my mind. It’s a circle effect.
7/16 I began being hot and cold at the same time really bad. I will be dripping with sweat and have chills at the same time. Im so hot/cold. I’m constantly sweaty. Gross! Thank God for wipes🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾
7/19 I decided to come off of all my medication. Well all physician prescribed meds anyway. I am taking: Aleeve gel caps, Vitamins C&D, magnesium, Zyflamend, a 4 in 1 natural something and a fibromyalgia vitamin. That’s it!! Still seems like a lot but it’s all natural.
Day 2: Lord Give Me Strength, I’m just trying to make it through
Today I am a sweaty and cold mess. The pain is becoming more fierce. I have decided I will not cry!! The pain is really everywhere BUT it is not constant and for that I am very thankful! Today i stayed in bed sweating and freezing until around 2pm when Cade (my puppy) just couldn’t lay down any longer. I pulled myself up and washed my sheets. It’s really quite disgusting how one can smell after sweating a lot night after night! I couldn’t take it anymore lol. I stunk and so did my dog! After taking my sheets to my washer machine which is approximately 10ft from my bed, I needed to rest. I was dripping sweat and freezing cold and light headed all at the same time! I’m so tired of being “hot cold” I could cry ……but I’m not doing that so🤷🏾♀️. I saw this picture and thought yep! Tats it! That’s exactly how I feel!!
I am trying to make myself do something other than sit in the house. So tonight I went to see the musical Hairspray. Guys it was sooooooo good! It covered everything!!! It was great but 2 hours long and cold. I packed a coat, a blanket scarf and socks. I used them all. From sitting up I have pain shooting up my neck and across my shoulders. Not to mention my skin has burned all day!! A-L-L-D-A-Y!!! I made it through the first act fine but the second act was tough. I felt like I was moaning a lot lol but oh well maybe they thought it was the elderly lady next to me 💁🏾♀️.
I am finally done with today!!! I am reading my new bible and going to bed. I am loving the woman that I am becoming!
Day 3: Happy Sunday
This morning I woke up exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted but I made myself go to church. One of the scriptures read was Romans 8:31
What shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
Then My amazing new Bible led me to Romans 8:28
And we know that in ALL things God work’s for the good of those who Love him, who have been called according to his purpose
Then the choir sang “Late in the midnight hour God’s going to turn it around! It’s going to work in your favor!”
THENNNNNN the Pastor specifically mentioned someone in need of prayer for depression!! Umm 🙋🏾♀️ yep me! How did he know? God is that you???? Yep it’s you! I know it’s you!
Y’all!!!!!! (insert extreme praise)
So much has happened to me lately. So much I could chose to let keep me down or even take me out! Sooooo much turmoil mental and so much pain physically I felt like I was losing my mind!!!
But God kept me. He is keeping me. I am sooo grateful.
Day 4: Moma Monday
So first off I got to hang out with my mom today!! It was so nice! That lady is pretty freaking amazing.
Ok back to business. It’s day 4 of no meds. And I feel ok. Not great but not bad 🙌🏾. I cleaned up a little outside. I haven’t done this in months…. and you could tell. While outside my dog ate a bird 🤦🏾♀️ I was deeply saddened. I was sweating, crying and freezing while running from wasps with my dog. It was a site to see. After that traumatic experience I had to take a nap. I was breathing like I had run a 10k. I ran errands and spent time with Moma 😍😍😍 and taught class. I have 2 more classes this week. I am very nervous but am trying to stay positive. Currently I have shooting pains in my lower and upper back and burning pain radiating from my pelvic area to under my left foot. Sugar plums and cracker jacks!!! My profanity lol!
I found some essential oils to help me relax, coloring in my bible, laying on a heating pad and drinking water! It’s going to be good! It has to be. Even when it doesn’t look good it is good because it’s working for my good! Take that satan👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾
That girl is beautiful and I will find her! I will be her! I am taking her back!!!!