The Good, the Bad and the Ughh!

Note: Start reading at “The Why”
So since I blogged last (which I apologize for the distance between blogs) I have started working summer school job at my job (PT), had an amazing visit with my besties, lost the friendship of someone I once considered to be a close friend, had an amazing women’s weekend at my church and celebrated father’s day with my amazing dad! Those are the major personal life events that happened.

The Good:
The weekend with my besties was the best relaxing moments I have had in a while. They came down for the Women’s Weekend at my church. They came to the tea with me, along with my mother and another really good friend!! My heart was so full being surrounded by so many people who love me.

Father’s Day was amazing!!! I went to church with my dad. We went out to eat to his favorite restaurant and he enjoyed his food (this hardly ever happens) and I had bread! BREAD!!!! and yalllll it was soooo good! Then we went out on my dads boat on the River. Being on the water and feeling the warm wind against my body was so peaceful. My sister was around and it was just nice! Very very nice.

I am having way more good days than I am bad! Like waaaay more! I am becoming more aware of what makes me better. I am also working out more and participating in my classes now!! I even ran the other day! It wasn’t far or long BUT I did it. I also finally got in to the rheumatologist to get my results. My rheumatoid levels are elevated but not to the point where she recommends treatment. My vitamin D is still low, I don’t have MS (praise God) and she doesn’t believe it is Lupus. She does however think it is fibromyalgia (90% sure) but she wants to give the vD time to work because they share symptoms. So as of now I have no diagnosis.

I also had the greatest first date EVER!!! The guy wasn’t great for me but I really enjoyed the date.

The Bad:

The Sunday night of the Women’s Weekend I lost a friendship that was once so dear to me. I must admit I cried….that ugly, cant catch your breath, head hurting, eye makeup running down your face, red eyes, ugly cry. But I remembered that God always sends people to me for a season. I have 2.5 friends that have made it through seasons with me and for them I am beyond grateful. I am also thankful for the seasonal people in my life. I know that when I was in need they were there and although our paths no longer run parallel I am glad they crossed.  The presence of this friend will be greatly missed.

I realize that rain and cold both have negative effects on my body. I am definitely more tired like all the time! I am damn near exhausted. When I am having bad days it is getting harder to fake it. I cans see and feel the toll this process is taking on my body. If I am not teaching or at work I really just want to be in bed. Lol well even when I am working or in class I would rather be in bed. I hate feeling like this because there are people depending on me. Honestly I  know that if it weren’t for those people expecting me to be there and be great, I would not do it, I could not do it.

The UGHH:

I haven’t posted much lately because often when I pick up my laptop my fingers begin to cramp or ache. Recently my vision has begin to decrease. Mainly in my right eye but also in my left. Today my right eye is pretty much all blurry and has been all day. My left is better and I can see out of it. My head hurts all the time and my face is sore to the touch. My legs are also very sensitive. I wear workout clothes or dresses now because the rubbing against my legs in my jeans hurts soooo incredibly bad. I have an appointment with an Opthamologist tomorrow. I hope they can help. I probably should not be driving but my schedule is too crazy for me to bother other people. My grip in my right hand is very weak now, and it is painful.

During the last 2 services I have been to there have been powerful women of God hear from the Lord and speak prophetically over people in the congregation. During one service I went to the front hoping she would hear a word from God on my healing. She prophesied that I was done going backwards (still relates although this wasn’t what I was hoping). The second was my pastor. She asked for people having back problems that radiated down your legs to your feet to raise their hands. I did. She prayed for everyone to be healed. However, I did not receive a specific word on my healing. At that moment I started to feel like low. For the first time I actually thought “God are you really not going to heal me”? “I know I was ok being like Job but I am not! I want to be healed” “Do you not see me” ” Are you really not going to heal my body”? Then I heard a song that reminded me that He is here, He is watching me, He is coming but it will be on His time and not mine.

I have been discouraged lately because I am tired of being like this. I am tired of hurting, tired of faking being ok, tired of walking and feeling excruciating pain in my feet, tired of texting and feeling like my fingertips are touching fire and recently I find myself getting upset with my situation. I realized today that I have not even been speaking positive things over my body, I haven’t been praying and thanking God for my healing. I have just merely been existing in this shell. This broken down shell and I am tired……

How I feel:
Broken and Tired but still trying to hold on to hope! Faith…..?

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