The past few days have been rough. Yesterday was rough for my body and today along with my body my mind/emotions decided to escape me. I honestly am tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of pretending Im ok. I’m tired of smiling on the outside but feeling empty on the inside. I am just tired. Today like many others I went to work, helped change lives. Then I taught my fitness class to help women reach their goals. One woman reported she had lost 13lbs in the last 3 weeks. I am truly happy for her and this is why I push through it. Today I am having a hard time finding the silver lining of my situation. Today my body is better than it was yesterday so I have just tried to focus on this fact. However the shooting random pains in my feet when I walk, my face when I talk and my back when I breathe have really taken a toll on me. My everything hurts. I punched the air in a routine and I had to look down and check my arm because it felt as if it was pulled out of socket. My left hand and arm went numb and my legs felt as if the bone inside was crumbling. I made it through class and all the way to my car before I burst into tears. “WHY!!!!!” I cant help but to think is this how it is going to be for the rest of my life? Surly not! It cant be. What did I do or say to deserve hurting all over my body for the rest of my life. How will I enjoy my future pregnancy? Will I be able to work and fulfill my dreams? Will I be able to raise my children and be at all of their events? I get home to take a shower and the water hurts. The loofah feels like it is taking my skin off as I bathe.The pain was so great I just fell to my knees and screamed Jesus name. Why me? Its just not fair!!! I am angry and sad. Today I feel as if my body betrayed me.
I have cried more today than I have in probably a year. I find myself having sad thoughts then I become upset with myself for allowing me to feel sorry for myself. Am I depressed? No Im just sad. Are my meds making me feel this way? No I’m talking natural substances. What is wrong with me? I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I am being self absorbed, rude, mean and not being a good person let a long a good friend. Then I get a call that I completely missed a good friends birthday. To make things worse I spoke with him on his birthday and didn’t even mention it. Ugh I feel like I suck at life right now. Like people dont want to be around me. I feel like I am becoming a gloomy burden to the guy I like. I feel distant from everyone. Like I’m swimming in the ocean but every stroke I take I drink more water. I feel like giving up!! I dont want to do this anymore. I dont want to hurt or feel this way anymore. I just want to quit. Even feeling and typing this there is disbelief that I could feel like this. Not me! I’m a happy person. I’m a fighter, a survivor, I push through. But for the first time I can remember, today I dont like me and I hate my body and what its going through. Its just not fair! Why me? Why me? This pain is far worse than chemo was for me. I cant find the silver lining. Today I cant see a way out of this. I know there has got to be light at the end of the tunnel but today I cant find it.
At this very moment I want to quit but the crazy thing is I don’t know how. I don’t know how to not fight, to not push through. As emotional as I am right now I know that this is a moment and it will pass. At least I want to believe that.Where the F is the silver lining?