I Just Want to Be Ok

My emotions are all over the place and I feel numb.  I wish my body was as numb as I feel on the inside. It’s been a few days since the split and as I read and copy over my post from my previous blog I read where I was so happy. It wasn’t even that long ago. It was amicable but still it was…. I am trying to keep my mind occupied but work is pretty laid back  today. I enjoy these days. I kinda just want to cry and go to bed. It’s crazy how your emotions and pain go hand in hand. UGHH!

My nephew has a game tonight and I have my fitness class. It’s going to be a long cold night. My body hates the cold and the pain increases drastically. I decided I am going to start intermittent fasting today. So I have my times and days down of when I can eat and when I am to fast down. I spoke with a friend who is also doing it and she is seeing great results. I am excited about this. Hopefully this will combat the weight I seem to be gaining due to this stupid illness. I have been so emotional lately even before the split. I’m either crying or mad and trying to hold all of that in is exhausting. ugh. I’m  tired.

I keep singing “I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok. I just want to be ok today” by Ingrid Michaelson. While yes it is just words to a song, I feel like this is what I want from life right now. I want to just be ok. I don’t have to be amazing…I will settle for ok. But until I am I just have to keep faking it.

I did not make it to my nephews game as it was too cold outside and my body does not like the cold weather. I was still very emotional before my fitness class and my friend noticed. She mentioned ” I was not my bubbly self” We had a long talk after class and I was able to release some of the emotions that have been bottled up.  It feels good to talk sometimes. On the way home I stopped by the hospital but couldn’t bring myself to get out. So I just drove home and finished the email of stuff I cant seem to get out of my mouth. I felt a little better.  I started the ifasting today so I couldn’t eat after 8 and didn’t have an appetite before class so I didn’t eat tonight. Oh well I’m not starving. Well i’m not right now anyway but I cant eat until 1pm tomorrow….by then i’m sure I will be starving. Anyway Goodnight all!

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