It’s 4:21pm and I have been in bed all day. It’s also been raining the entire day so I’m glad I took off and stayed in the house as rain is also my friendemey👎🏾 In earlier post you may have read that I prayed for rain. I did because I have lots of friends with severe allergies and the rain washes away the pollen and helps them be able to breathe which is kind of important.
About last night…
Last night was easily one of the worst nights I’ve had while sick. I had a stressful moment with a friend and sent my mind into an unknown frequency. Which in-turn sent my body into spaz out mode! A huge HUGE spaz out mode. I had 4 panic attacks. Yes!!! 4!!! I slept in a bed of vomit. Well next to it. Then I woke up around 11 today finally went to the bathroom and 😱😱😱 apparently I didn’t make it last night. Being that my water intake hasn’t been that high I would say I didn’t make it at least twice 🤦🏾♀️. My body is extremely exhausted and my muscles are tired. Kind of like I’ve been lifting a lot of weights mainly with my right arm. Lol! So I’m glad that I took today off. I wouldn’t have been able to work today.
Goals for this 3 day escape:
1. Try and find me again
2. Clean up: physically and mentally
3. Let Go
4. Learn how to be alone with me and be ok with it
Today I have realized that after a relationship ends is usually when I get hurt. Crazy because it’s over right? Like how do you get hurt afterwards? By not letting go, by mentally thinking there’s still a chance, by agonizing over every decision made & every word said and finally by blaming yourself for it not working out! I have not had the best history of relationships and my my have the guys been let downs. I like to say that “all things work out and every pain was a lesson” but reality is while that may be true it left me with a crap load of insecurities. Men don’t seem to end it with me they just disappear and leave me wondering what happened. That has really jacked me up lol. This time it was mutual and on good terms but I find myself ripping me apart causing those same feelings from past dealings with men when honestly that just isn’t the case here. It’s not that I’m not enough or he isn’t interested. It’s just not good timing with our lives. We seem to clash more than laugh. He is not them. But I have to figure out how to get my mental state to realize that!
Not to mention I hardly ever stop moving mentally or physically so it’s nice to just breathe and be lazy for a bit. To not be needed or expected to be somewhere or letting someone down if I’m not doing something. I try so hard to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee, therapist, co-worker, instructor, role model and many more hats that sometimes I ware myself thin. I originally named this post: House arrest, bed rest and escape day but I think I will go with Selah (pause). A pause (interrupt an action briefly) is exactly what I need at this time in my life. A moment to stop and smell the flowers, feel the rain, take in the sun or do none of the above. Ahhhh Selah!