Today I am tired. I am tired of waking up in pain. I am tired of my face feeling like someone hit me in it, I’m tired the muscles in my torso/back feeling pulled when I breathe or stretch. I am tired of my feet burning under the bottom, I’m tired of walking on fire. I’m tired of having what feels like broken ankles and hands. Im tired of trying to decide which leg hurts worst so I can limp on the one. I’m tired of random parts of my skin feeling like someone is peeling it off. Im tired of the skin on the top of my thighs feeling raw and open even when I’m just sitting still. I’m tired of my vision being blurry. Im tired of listening to people laugh and be happy knowing if I do it will hurt or I may just burst into tears. I’m tired of thinking about if I will hurt if I laugh. Im tired of it being cold! Ughh! Im tired of being tired and out of breath all the time. I’m tired of of paying ridiculous monthly payments, copays and incredibly expensive doctor visits for mediocre care. But hey at least when my doctor told me there was nothing else he could do for me it was free an over the phone. I’m tired of walking in pain and reminding myself that at least I can walk. Yeah I know someone out there doesn’t have legs and I’m grateful that I do but you know what right now I’m tired. And OMG I’m tired of having panic attacks. I have had 4 in the last 2 days. I hate the way I feel afterwards. And I’m tired of pretending like I’m ok when I’m not!
I wish I was the kind of person to take off or call in and not care what happens in my absence! Not care if my kid at work has a good day, not care if I leave my co-workers short handed and not care if I let the people down who are depending on me. I wish I had the energy to focus on classes or learn me routines. I wish I had the energy to restore broken relationships. I wish I could throw a pity party for me myself and I. And sulk and complain and ugly cry all day or at least every time I hurt or had a depressed thought. I wish I could let go with all my might and wake up and be ok.
But reality is I’m not that girl. I’ll be there at work, my co-workers can count on me, I help my kiddo, I push through 14-16 songs 3 times a week. I’ll be there when anyone needs me. Even if it’s just my shell. I’ll be there most of the time smiling and acting like I’m ok. Crazy part is most people can’t even tell.