Tears or Chocolate…

They say crying (and chocolate) heals the soul. Ok so I added chocolate…💁🏾 it helps mine ok! Crying: sobbing, bawling, weeping, mourning

“Tears are produced in response to that stress, or emotion you may experience from stress, pleasure, anger, sadness and suffering to indeed, physical pain.Psychic tears even contain a natural painkiller, called leucine enkephalin – perhaps, part of the reason why you might feel better after a good cry!”

– Nick Knight

Throughout my life I have always been very sensitive. “She’s a sensitive child” what they said when I was little when I would cry at something on tv or when I would watch my little sister Get in trouble (which happened a lot). As I grew older and life’s ups and downs came and heartache hit I became less sensitive and more hardened. More protective of my emotions and my heart. Less likely to let people in. As an adult I believed I had healed in many areas and then I met a guy who completely flipped my world upside down for good and bad reasons. When it was up I was secure in what I felt. I was even able to rid myself of some insecurities. When we were down we could lean on each other. I think the best part about him is he was my friend. The sicker I have become the further apart we have grown. He’s also going through a lot in his life. I don’t know if it’s just bad timing, if me changing made him change, if me being sick was just too much for him, if what we had wasn’t going to last anyway…. I just don’t know. We seem to now but heads at every turn. Those pleasant conversations just don’t happen anymore. After a pretty harsh conversation with him yesterday I was really stressed and sad. I tried to calm myself because my body now takes stress and goes to level 10 with it. Normally I would get upset then go on about my way. After our conversation I taught my class and tried to let it all go in my dancing. You know leave it all on the floor. Sweat the stress out. I taught and class was great! We were all drenched as usual. I even stayed after class and talked for like an hour. Lol my feet were screaming!!!! But I figured ok I’m out of the danger zone. I got in my car and headed home. I briefly thought about the convo from earlier but quickly turned up my music to occupy my mind. I THINK as women we allow things to bother us or take over our brains more easily than men do “omg we broke up, my heart is broken, life is over, I just want to cry and sleep”. It SEEMS men are more like “blah blah blah break your heart and move on”. Bad example but you get what I’m saying. I think the worst parts are not knowing where we stand or how to feel and mentally making myself move on just incase and above all else I lost my friend. The person I went to about these things isn’t here and that’s hard. And it’s even harder pretending that it doesn’t bother me. Now add on already not feeling the greatest or even good the past few days and BOOM-shaka-laka! Anyway enough of the “Days of Our Lives” moving on…..

I got almost to my house and began having a panic attack. It was bad!!! It was like having an out of body experience but being in it. I hit my head and the side my face and ran off the road. I remember squeezing the steering wheel and my seat. I was scared I was going to crash and I couldn’t breathe. Once I was able to breathe regularly and felt ok enough to get out of the car I did. It was good getting fresh air in my lungs. I also checked my car and thank God there was no damage at all. No skid marks. No anything! It was like God glided me into a safety spot to save me. Exodus 33:22! That was my cleft and His glory was there. I am so thankful!!! Even on rough days God shows me He is here. I made it home and talked to my mom. Lots of events happened from them to this morning but long story short I am ok and exhausted and in lots of pain!

My face is so sensitive right now. It burns when I cry but I can’t stop crying because it burns. My whole body burns and my emotions are high and light hurts when it touches my skin. LIGHT hurts and my heart hurts and it makes me cry. Last night was rough. Today has been rough. My goal is to just try and not think about things that stress me out but I’m failing a lot. And that stresses me out because I just want to not care!!!! I miss the old me. Lol

I wish people could see on the outside what I feel on the inside. Today I keep looking in the mirror at my face. I’ve never been one to bruise easily but I hit my face pretty hard last night. I wish for all the pain I have I could at least see it. My lip is busted and the corner of my mouth is split. So at least I know last night happened. I really happened. It’s not all in my head.

Today I took off from work to just rest and heal. Everything hurts. My skin, my face, my muscles my body. I did leave the house around 7:30 though. I mean i’m not Matilda so I can’t just have chocolate come to me. But ohhhh man if I could what a wonderful world this would be!! That thought alone just made me happy. I think the fear in the back of my mind is that it’s getting worse and not better. As I’m typing this the word defeat came into my mind. Hmmm…. I wonder why? I will let you guys know when I figure it out. I cried a lot today and I’m not really sure my soul isn’t anymore clean…. I also ate chocolate and well I do feel a little better.

Tomorrow’s forecast shows cold and rain. Both of which are not my friend. But I’m going to go into the day with positive thoughts and expectations. Things will be better tomorrow!

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