That’s What I Want

There is a song that says “will you be ready when Jesus comes”. I remember hearing the older people sing this ima flat key that’s drawn out for way to many beats and me just sitting there like “I’m young! I don’t have to worry about this”! Well last night would prove that I was wrong.

I hope I’m not offending anyone but if you are offended by this you’ve probably been offended for a while by my post because …… ain’t not a nan-notha God like mine 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 Anyway back to what I was saying.

We go to church on Sunday, we try and do the right things, live Christ-like, repent and other practices to ensure we are ready when the Messiah comes back. But have you ever thought about the what if today is your last day? What if you never told that person you loved them one last time or if you never let them know how proud of them you were, how thankful you are that God allowed their path to cross yours. What about the person that finds you, what about the people you leave behind, your funeral service, your possessions. What about your name….. what will they write on your tombstone? Do you even want one or do you want to be cremated? Where do you want your ashes spread? Then there’s the greatest of them all…..where will you spend eternity? Sooo much to think about 💁🏾‍♀️

Well last night 6/30/18 I was pretty sure would be my last night here. Obviously it wasn’t because I’m writing this…. I digress. The below is what happened. If you are not prepared for the realness then please stop reading here.

Crying uncontrollably and uttering out “no God I’m not ready!!!! I’m not ready”. Trying to convince myself that I’m ok. Saying “calm down it’s ok you’re ok!” “No I’m not! I’m not ok, I’m not going to be ok this time”! “God please, no”! Crying and screaming until I blacked out and woke up in urine. Thanking God that I was ok only to go through the same series of events again. I turned on my But God playlist. I thought I need to be in His presence. Crying and in pain for what seemed like hours I contemplated so many ways to find relief. Reaching for my phone to text people and tell them I love them and how proud I am of them and how thankful I am for them. Writing my parents a note telling them that I’m ok and although I’m scared I knew I was going to be ok. I was more worried about my loved ones than where I will spend my eternity. Telling them how I wanted my funeral and what I want done with my body. How I hope they would feel and praying they would be comforted in knowing how amazing they have been as parents to me. Then I started thinking about dying and having not repented for the sin I committed today (we sin daily) so I googled “what prayer do you say to repent for sins”? I thought about texting my pastors but I didn’t want to wake them. Although I know when they read this they will not like that because I’m sure I could have called. I thought “what if I’m not saved enough” “what if He turns me around at the gates”. Sooo many possible prayers came up. I didn’t see one that fit what I needed so I just prayed my own prayer to my God. They say some people pass peacefully. I don’t know how? It’s crazy the dark places the brain can go out of pure, unadulterated FEAR! I remembered hearing that the Bible says “no man knows his last day” so I thought ok so this isn’t it. I’ll be ok! But what if it is? What if you don’t know your last day but in the last moment you know you are leaving this body”? I got myself to my medicine and fell. Pills went everywhere. I took my meds and climbed on my couch thinking “maybe I will go in my sleep and I won’t know”. My dog climbed up beside me. He didn’t leave my side through all of this!!!! I remember reaching for my phone to call 9-1-1 then I woke up this morning.

{events took place that I do not wish to share at this time}

I am here, at home, in my bed! Very much still alive! Very grateful of life and each precious moment! Being around my family and not giving them overly dramatic loving today was hard. Fighting back tears was hard! Being ok enough to pass as ok was hard!! Being in pain mentally and physically is hard!! I have never felt more broken, blessed and yet angry at my body. But whatever the case….I am here to feel it and for that I praise Him!

Facing that last night I am left thinking ok what now? He saved me for a reason! I have to quit existing and being caught up in the “right-now” moments of life and missing the “big picture”. I have been putting “until He makes me whole I will praise Him with the pieces of me”. Last night I saw just how many pieces I’m in. I have to do better. In I have to seek Him, gain more knowledge, show more love, feel more love, let go of carried ill feelings and seek my purpose with more intensity!! If today is my last day I don’t want to leave here wondering what more I could have done. I think that is the peace the old folks talk about. That’s what I want ….PEACE not fear!


2 thoughts on “That’s What I Want

  1. Thanks for sharing your heart. Reading this post reminds me to get myself ready everyday. I’m going to tell more people that I love them today & talk a little more with God. Making sure that he knows how much I love him & how sorry that I am for my sins. Thanks for blessing me this morning. To God be the glory

    Liked by 1 person

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