Struggle Make-it

“We set our hopes on you, we set our hopes on the one who is the everlasting God. You are the everlasting God”.

– William Murphy

This week has been a struggle. On Monday my mouth began to hurt very bad. It feels like all of my teeth are going to fall out If I open my mouth and talk or eat. My jaw has been locking up on and off. Now imagine trying to “get rid” of stuff with a locked jaw. Now whatever you imagined multiply it by 5. Yep!!!! Yuck!!!!

Today makes day 3 of not being able to eat. When I can it comes back up or I have severe stomach cramps that make it hard to sit straight up. For my teeth I’ve been using extreme strength sensodyne. I brush with it and rub it on my gums. For my stomach I’ve been eating tums like candy and drinking ginger ale. I am able to drink half a protein shake or water without to much pressure/cramping in my stomach. I have been up since 3am. I woke up with the above song on my mind.

The last few days have been really hard on my body. I think it’s because I haven’t been able to rest. However, this week I have gone to bed as soon as I get off from work. I have managed to work and teach two classes. I’m really not even sure how except BUT God!!!

Yalll I’m so hungry!!!! Do I eat and feel sick or not eat and feel sick and hungry????? I make the decision to eat but I know it’s going to be bad lol….And it has been every time🤷🏾‍♀️. Between my teeth and jaws hurting and my stomach cramping it has been crazy. Stress has been pretty low because I’m not really talking to anyone.

I did find out I made a B in my summer class. I’m kind of devastated but I am trying to stay calm because my body was doing all kinds of things this summer.

I called my rheumatologist and he’s closed today. I’m debating on going to the doc in the box or just waiting it out. I’m really not sure what to do.

Request:

Pray for me and whatever this is it goes away as quick as it came. I have a lot to do but this weekend is actually free. To bed I go!!!!!

“Please Lord give me strength. I’m just trying to make it through”

-I understand by Smokie Norfolk

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There’s Hope

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie

Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up

Body:

So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.

Symptoms:

blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.

On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!

Meds:

Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾‍♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,

Realizations:

1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.

2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy

3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.

4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.

5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!

Events:

1- Birthday (33) Great day

2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting

3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!

4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾‍♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.

5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.

6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!

7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.

8- started working on my mental state!!

9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1

10- I went to saved in the City for the first time! Such an amazing life changing event! 11- finished my class and registered for my next!!

12- started preparing for my business!!

13- went to my friends gender reveal

14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.

Goals:

1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.

2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.

3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.

4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.

5- learn to say no!

Songs: This is my favorite part

Waymaker

Won’t He Do It (Remix)

Lord You Are Good

War

I Got That (Hip Hop)

Bible Verses:

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”

Numbers‬ ‭15:41‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!

Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It’s 3:35am. My body is tired. The pain is real but I know it’s because I haven’t been able to rest in 2 weeks. I have so many bruises and sore spots on my legs. My teeth feel like they may come out and my face may cave in!!! Lol but It was worth it!!!

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Can I Catch A Break?

Hey guys!!! This week has been extremely rough. My mind and my body are not coping well. This post isn’t going to be long. Just a quick update and prayer request for my upcoming week!

Current feeling emotionally: drained, tired, wanting to quit but trying to keep pushing. Due to emotional stress I had a panic attack Friday at work. I’m just Finding understanding well trying to🤷🏾‍♀️

Current feeling physically: exhausted, inflamed from head to toe, skin burning, blurred vision, swollen: hands, abdomen and feet, pain in knees and shins. Cold symptoms and lady friend is here…. what a great time for a visit🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️ Due to the panic attack my body is already weak. As you all know I have been off all prescribed meds since 7/19 but due to the pain I took 100mg of Tramadol yesterday. I had a reaction to it so went to the Er last night. They were no help and treated me horribly. I made it home around 1 and was able to finally get some sleep. Today has been rough but I will NOT take anything heavier than naproxen 😢 I’m so tired.

This week:

1- I need to finish school work from the last 2 months by Friday. So I need my eyes, fingers and mind to work at the same time!

2- I need to work at least 3 days this week. I need to have a calm mind and be able to concentrate to make it through the day

3- It’s a 3 fitness class week! I need my body to make it through!! M,T and Th!

4- My family is going on a trip fri- sun! I need to be ok to make it and have fun.

I know these things seem trivial but I am very overwhelmed and I feel it mentally and physically. I hope you all have a great week!!!

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Focus on the Butterfly 🦋

Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

My life. My. Life!

Lord I am thankful for my life.

There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

-Proverbs 15:13

One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

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Confessions of a Beautiful Shell

It’s like being under water and hoping that the last breath you took will be enough to get you back to the surface. Then realizing you underestimated the distance and are now in despair. Your heart pumps faster and faster, you can feel the air leaving your body but you are trying to hold on. You want to hold on! You want to make it to the surface!!

This is what the past few weeks have been like for me. The surface is my normal life! My happy go lucky attitude, my ability to be there for everyone and my desire to live life out loud! Under the water represents this disease and the current life I am living. A life of just trying to make it. Trying to smile. Remembering to breathe. Not break down crying at every moment. Not spiral out of control. To not lose my shit!!

Can’t tell? Had no idea huh? That’s because I have a Beautiful Shell! My outer appearance manages to show up, to smile, to be inviting, to fool people so they believe you when you say “I’m good” while on the inside being anything but “good”. Why the title for this particular blog? I want people to understand that often times we walk around with shells on. With a hard casing concealing or providing shelter for what’s inside. I have been wearing a Shell but for a moment I want to give you a peak on the inside.

Here goes. . .

For the last few weeks I have been depressed. Not the typical “had a bad day” sad but the “broken on the inside” sad. This has been very tough for me to admit and talk about but I received my second confirmation that I need to share. So here I am. Open. Vulnerable.

On June 30th I began feeling a sense of something isn’t right. It was as if I could see and hear everyone but they seemed to become further and further away from me. I began to pull away only talking to those who pulled convo from me. I feel lost and alone. I’ve worked with people who suffer from depression and have been around it with multiple friends but never has it hit home. I am doing the “coping skills” and “pushing forward” but I am just existing not living.

What led me here? Now that’s is a darn good question. I had a few things happen to me but nothing the old me couldn’t handle. I do believe emotional health ties into physical health. I think my body is tired of fighting mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s just too much!!! Inner turmoil is the worst kind. I know there is good. I know there is!! I see people who love me and care about me and who show me daily. But all I can see is the downs. I feel trapped. Today I remembered a picture that hung in my late grandads living room that said “when you get to the end of your rope hold on”. Well I’m holding but what do you do when you’re losing your grip or the rope is breaking? I can hear all of my moms tools that she would say when we were kids “cry! Cry real hard then get up” “give yourself a minute then wipe your tears” “go to sleep and when you wake up it will be over”. Ok the last one I heard a lot when I was grounded and couldn’t go places😂. But tools like these have been helping me my adult life. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it.

Fast forward to July 14th-my birthday was good. It had all of the right ingredients to be good. There was family time, great gifts, calls from friends… but I kept thinking about how I didn’t get to show up for my mom on her bday (7/12) and how my life is right now and I had a panic attack on my birthday.

I think it’s that my mind can’t heal because of my body and my body can’t heal because of my mind. It’s a circle effect.

7/16 I began being hot and cold at the same time really bad. I will be dripping with sweat and have chills at the same time. Im so hot/cold. I’m constantly sweaty. Gross! Thank God for wipes🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

7/19 I decided to come off of all my medication. Well all physician prescribed meds anyway. I am taking: Aleeve gel caps, Vitamins C&D, magnesium, Zyflamend, a 4 in 1 natural something and a fibromyalgia vitamin. That’s it!! Still seems like a lot but it’s all natural.

Day 2: Lord Give Me Strength, I’m just trying to make it through

Today I am a sweaty and cold mess. The pain is becoming more fierce. I have decided I will not cry!! The pain is really everywhere BUT it is not constant and for that I am very thankful! Today i stayed in bed sweating and freezing until around 2pm when Cade (my puppy) just couldn’t lay down any longer. I pulled myself up and washed my sheets. It’s really quite disgusting how one can smell after sweating a lot night after night! I couldn’t take it anymore lol. I stunk and so did my dog! After taking my sheets to my washer machine which is approximately 10ft from my bed, I needed to rest. I was dripping sweat and freezing cold and light headed all at the same time! I’m so tired of being “hot cold” I could cry ……but I’m not doing that so🤷🏾‍♀️. I saw this picture and thought yep! Tats it! That’s exactly how I feel!!

I am trying to make myself do something other than sit in the house. So tonight I went to see the musical Hairspray. Guys it was sooooooo good! It covered everything!!! It was great but 2 hours long and cold. I packed a coat, a blanket scarf and socks. I used them all. From sitting up I have pain shooting up my neck and across my shoulders. Not to mention my skin has burned all day!! A-L-L-D-A-Y!!! I made it through the first act fine but the second act was tough. I felt like I was moaning a lot lol but oh well maybe they thought it was the elderly lady next to me 💁🏾‍♀️.

I am finally done with today!!! I am reading my new bible and going to bed. I am loving the woman that I am becoming!

Day 3: Happy Sunday

This morning I woke up exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted but I made myself go to church. One of the scriptures read was Romans 8:31

What shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Then My amazing new Bible led me to Romans 8:28

And we know that in ALL things God work’s for the good of those who Love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Then the choir sang “Late in the midnight hour God’s going to turn it around! It’s going to work in your favor!”

THENNNNNN the Pastor specifically mentioned someone in need of prayer for depression!! Umm 🙋🏾‍♀️ yep me! How did he know? God is that you???? Yep it’s you! I know it’s you!

Y’all!!!!!! (insert extreme praise)

So much has happened to me lately. So much I could chose to let keep me down or even take me out! Sooooo much turmoil mental and so much pain physically I felt like I was losing my mind!!!

But God kept me. He is keeping me. I am sooo grateful.

Day 4: Moma Monday

So first off I got to hang out with my mom today!! It was so nice! That lady is pretty freaking amazing.

Ok back to business. It’s day 4 of no meds. And I feel ok. Not great but not bad 🙌🏾. I cleaned up a little outside. I haven’t done this in months…. and you could tell. While outside my dog ate a bird 🤦🏾‍♀️ I was deeply saddened. I was sweating, crying and freezing while running from wasps with my dog. It was a site to see. After that traumatic experience I had to take a nap. I was breathing like I had run a 10k. I ran errands and spent time with Moma 😍😍😍 and taught class. I have 2 more classes this week. I am very nervous but am trying to stay positive. Currently I have shooting pains in my lower and upper back and burning pain radiating from my pelvic area to under my left foot. Sugar plums and cracker jacks!!! My profanity lol!

I found some essential oils to help me relax, coloring in my bible, laying on a heating pad and drinking water! It’s going to be good! It has to be. Even when it doesn’t look good it is good because it’s working for my good! Take that satan👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾

That girl is beautiful and I will find her! I will be her! I am taking her back!!!!

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Christians & Crystals and More

Hey F4Tribe!!!!

Have you all heard about the healing crystals? Well I recently learned about them and actually purchased a bracelet that said “brace, healed and had a small amethyst crystal in it”. I loved it!! I began doing research about it because I wanted to know how the crystals promoted healing. I contacted one of my spiritual mothers who said “she needed to know how they were being presented. Are they saying to believe in the powers that come from the crystal”? Hmmmm I didn’t know! She spoke of the prayer cloths. Now these I had heard of; but she didn’t believe in everyone’s prayer cloth. She mentioned that they should be a way to connect. That made since. The prayer cloth alone doesn’t have any power but it’s been prayed over and is given as a connector piece to a person to remind them God is doing whatever they need the cloth for. Now I could be completely wrong but these are my thoughts. So I looked at a few articles dealing with crystals and being a Christian. Some were saying no but I felt like it was a matter of opinion. I needed hard evidence. So being that I’m at the beach I found a store and bought a few crystals. Also at the store was a Buddha statue, voo doo dolls, and a book on how crystal healing and chakras worked. It was a little eerie because I’m new to all of this. I chose the following crystals: amethyst, tigers eye, and aquamarine. Below is a chart of the ones I purchased. I made my necklace and it was so cute! I loved it!!! So I started to think about selling these on my website. I wanted to do a little more research first though. At this point added healing couldn’t hurt right?

Nope! Wrong! So I found a few articles that broke down why and how the Bible talks about crystals and putting power in other Gods. Which I really don’t think I was doing. I know my healing will come from God. So what is the harm in wearing a crystal for healing right? Well then I read the following inserts:

The powers that heal that are not from God Stopped me dead in my tracks! Um no! I am not interested in believing in anything that’s not Him! I immediately grabbed my necklace and prayed over it and rebuked anything that is not of Him. I also asked for forgiveness. I will wear the necklace as a necklace but that is it! So I asked God to show me something I could have as a reminder. Something I could hold on to and share! I believed He showed me something in my sleep. I can’t wait to see it in the physical form😉😉😉😉!

For those of you who do not agree with what I have said above, it’s ok! It’s actually perfectly fine with me! We are all entitled to our own opinions and spiritual beliefs. This post reflects my view and thoughts as it pertains to my soul. I am in no way attempting to persuade or change your views.

In other news I am drinking 2 shakes a day and in my one meal I can have grilled chicken or turkey and veggies. My snack is usually Turkey jerky or a Premier protein shake. I am attempting to make all of the changes I can to help me feel better. Gluten and sugar have proven to make me feel yucky. It’s a process but I am trying! These are the foods I packed for my family trip.

I am eating to live not the other way around. I think I have gotten so use to thinking “well I will work that off” that I would just eat what I wanted in small increments. Well guess what? I don’t have that muscular system nor do I have that immune system anymore. Long story short I can’t afford to have cheat dayS! It’s just not worth it anymore. With that being said, I am going to have a piece of cake for my birthday (July 14th)!! I wanted to do 33 activities for my birthday and I still may but I will have to think of something.

Our beach trip is going well so far. My body is holding up well and for that I am so thankful!!! When we were here last year I couldn’t bare to get in the water because it was so cold. Today I have been in it all day🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾. I am having a little pain due to rain and the water cooling off but it’s not horrible! I brought my crutches but I am determined to not need them!

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That’s What I Want

There is a song that says “will you be ready when Jesus comes”. I remember hearing the older people sing this ima flat key that’s drawn out for way to many beats and me just sitting there like “I’m young! I don’t have to worry about this”! Well last night would prove that I was wrong.

I hope I’m not offending anyone but if you are offended by this you’ve probably been offended for a while by my post because …… ain’t not a nan-notha God like mine 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 Anyway back to what I was saying.

We go to church on Sunday, we try and do the right things, live Christ-like, repent and other practices to ensure we are ready when the Messiah comes back. But have you ever thought about the what if today is your last day? What if you never told that person you loved them one last time or if you never let them know how proud of them you were, how thankful you are that God allowed their path to cross yours. What about the person that finds you, what about the people you leave behind, your funeral service, your possessions. What about your name….. what will they write on your tombstone? Do you even want one or do you want to be cremated? Where do you want your ashes spread? Then there’s the greatest of them all…..where will you spend eternity? Sooo much to think about 💁🏾‍♀️

Well last night 6/30/18 I was pretty sure would be my last night here. Obviously it wasn’t because I’m writing this…. I digress. The below is what happened. If you are not prepared for the realness then please stop reading here.

Crying uncontrollably and uttering out “no God I’m not ready!!!! I’m not ready”. Trying to convince myself that I’m ok. Saying “calm down it’s ok you’re ok!” “No I’m not! I’m not ok, I’m not going to be ok this time”! “God please, no”! Crying and screaming until I blacked out and woke up in urine. Thanking God that I was ok only to go through the same series of events again. I turned on my But God playlist. I thought I need to be in His presence. Crying and in pain for what seemed like hours I contemplated so many ways to find relief. Reaching for my phone to text people and tell them I love them and how proud I am of them and how thankful I am for them. Writing my parents a note telling them that I’m ok and although I’m scared I knew I was going to be ok. I was more worried about my loved ones than where I will spend my eternity. Telling them how I wanted my funeral and what I want done with my body. How I hope they would feel and praying they would be comforted in knowing how amazing they have been as parents to me. Then I started thinking about dying and having not repented for the sin I committed today (we sin daily) so I googled “what prayer do you say to repent for sins”? I thought about texting my pastors but I didn’t want to wake them. Although I know when they read this they will not like that because I’m sure I could have called. I thought “what if I’m not saved enough” “what if He turns me around at the gates”. Sooo many possible prayers came up. I didn’t see one that fit what I needed so I just prayed my own prayer to my God. They say some people pass peacefully. I don’t know how? It’s crazy the dark places the brain can go out of pure, unadulterated FEAR! I remembered hearing that the Bible says “no man knows his last day” so I thought ok so this isn’t it. I’ll be ok! But what if it is? What if you don’t know your last day but in the last moment you know you are leaving this body”? I got myself to my medicine and fell. Pills went everywhere. I took my meds and climbed on my couch thinking “maybe I will go in my sleep and I won’t know”. My dog climbed up beside me. He didn’t leave my side through all of this!!!! I remember reaching for my phone to call 9-1-1 then I woke up this morning.

{events took place that I do not wish to share at this time}

I am here, at home, in my bed! Very much still alive! Very grateful of life and each precious moment! Being around my family and not giving them overly dramatic loving today was hard. Fighting back tears was hard! Being ok enough to pass as ok was hard!! Being in pain mentally and physically is hard!! I have never felt more broken, blessed and yet angry at my body. But whatever the case….I am here to feel it and for that I praise Him!

Facing that last night I am left thinking ok what now? He saved me for a reason! I have to quit existing and being caught up in the “right-now” moments of life and missing the “big picture”. I have been putting “until He makes me whole I will praise Him with the pieces of me”. Last night I saw just how many pieces I’m in. I have to do better. In I have to seek Him, gain more knowledge, show more love, feel more love, let go of carried ill feelings and seek my purpose with more intensity!! If today is my last day I don’t want to leave here wondering what more I could have done. I think that is the peace the old folks talk about. That’s what I want ….PEACE not fear!

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