Focus on the Butterfly πŸ¦‹

Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

My life. My. Life!

Lord I am thankful for my life.

There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a fewπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joyπŸ™ŒπŸΎ and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

-Proverbs 15:13

One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

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Confessions of a Beautiful Shell

It’s like being under water and hoping that the last breath you took will be enough to get you back to the surface. Then realizing you underestimated the distance and are now in despair. Your heart pumps faster and faster, you can feel the air leaving your body but you are trying to hold on. You want to hold on! You want to make it to the surface!!

This is what the past few weeks have been like for me. The surface is my normal life! My happy go lucky attitude, my ability to be there for everyone and my desire to live life out loud! Under the water represents this disease and the current life I am living. A life of just trying to make it. Trying to smile. Remembering to breathe. Not break down crying at every moment. Not spiral out of control. To not lose my shit!!

Can’t tell? Had no idea huh? That’s because I have a Beautiful Shell! My outer appearance manages to show up, to smile, to be inviting, to fool people so they believe you when you say “I’m good” while on the inside being anything but “good”. Why the title for this particular blog? I want people to understand that often times we walk around with shells on. With a hard casing concealing or providing shelter for what’s inside. I have been wearing a Shell but for a moment I want to give you a peak on the inside.

Here goes. . .

For the last few weeks I have been depressed. Not the typical “had a bad day” sad but the “broken on the inside” sad. This has been very tough for me to admit and talk about but I received my second confirmation that I need to share. So here I am. Open. Vulnerable.

On June 30th I began feeling a sense of something isn’t right. It was as if I could see and hear everyone but they seemed to become further and further away from me. I began to pull away only talking to those who pulled convo from me. I feel lost and alone. I’ve worked with people who suffer from depression and have been around it with multiple friends but never has it hit home. I am doing the “coping skills” and “pushing forward” but I am just existing not living.

What led me here? Now that’s is a darn good question. I had a few things happen to me but nothing the old me couldn’t handle. I do believe emotional health ties into physical health. I think my body is tired of fighting mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s just too much!!! Inner turmoil is the worst kind. I know there is good. I know there is!! I see people who love me and care about me and who show me daily. But all I can see is the downs. I feel trapped. Today I remembered a picture that hung in my late grandads living room that said “when you get to the end of your rope hold on”. Well I’m holding but what do you do when you’re losing your grip or the rope is breaking? I can hear all of my moms tools that she would say when we were kids “cry! Cry real hard then get up” “give yourself a minute then wipe your tears” “go to sleep and when you wake up it will be over”. Ok the last one I heard a lot when I was grounded and couldn’t go placesπŸ˜‚. But tools like these have been helping me my adult life. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it.

Fast forward to July 14th-my birthday was good. It had all of the right ingredients to be good. There was family time, great gifts, calls from friends… but I kept thinking about how I didn’t get to show up for my mom on her bday (7/12) and how my life is right now and I had a panic attack on my birthday.

I think it’s that my mind can’t heal because of my body and my body can’t heal because of my mind. It’s a circle effect.

7/16 I began being hot and cold at the same time really bad. I will be dripping with sweat and have chills at the same time. Im so hot/cold. I’m constantly sweaty. Gross! Thank God for wipesπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎ

7/19 I decided to come off of all my medication. Well all physician prescribed meds anyway. I am taking: Aleeve gel caps, Vitamins C&D, magnesium, Zyflamend, a 4 in 1 natural something and a fibromyalgia vitamin. That’s it!! Still seems like a lot but it’s all natural.

Day 2: Lord Give Me Strength, I’m just trying to make it through

Today I am a sweaty and cold mess. The pain is becoming more fierce. I have decided I will not cry!! The pain is really everywhere BUT it is not constant and for that I am very thankful! Today i stayed in bed sweating and freezing until around 2pm when Cade (my puppy) just couldn’t lay down any longer. I pulled myself up and washed my sheets. It’s really quite disgusting how one can smell after sweating a lot night after night! I couldn’t take it anymore lol. I stunk and so did my dog! After taking my sheets to my washer machine which is approximately 10ft from my bed, I needed to rest. I was dripping sweat and freezing cold and light headed all at the same time! I’m so tired of being “hot cold” I could cry ……but I’m not doing that soπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ. I saw this picture and thought yep! Tats it! That’s exactly how I feel!!

I am trying to make myself do something other than sit in the house. So tonight I went to see the musical Hairspray. Guys it was sooooooo good! It covered everything!!! It was great but 2 hours long and cold. I packed a coat, a blanket scarf and socks. I used them all. From sitting up I have pain shooting up my neck and across my shoulders. Not to mention my skin has burned all day!! A-L-L-D-A-Y!!! I made it through the first act fine but the second act was tough. I felt like I was moaning a lot lol but oh well maybe they thought it was the elderly lady next to me πŸ’πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ.

I am finally done with today!!! I am reading my new bible and going to bed. I am loving the woman that I am becoming!

Day 3: Happy Sunday

This morning I woke up exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted but I made myself go to church. One of the scriptures read was Romans 8:31

What shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Then My amazing new Bible led me to Romans 8:28

And we know that in ALL things God work’s for the good of those who Love him, who have been called according to his purpose

Then the choir sang “Late in the midnight hour God’s going to turn it around! It’s going to work in your favor!”

THENNNNNN the Pastor specifically mentioned someone in need of prayer for depression!! Umm πŸ™‹πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ yep me! How did he know? God is that you???? Yep it’s you! I know it’s you!

Y’all!!!!!! (insert extreme praise)

So much has happened to me lately. So much I could chose to let keep me down or even take me out! Sooooo much turmoil mental and so much pain physically I felt like I was losing my mind!!!

But God kept me. He is keeping me. I am sooo grateful.

Day 4: Moma Monday

So first off I got to hang out with my mom today!! It was so nice! That lady is pretty freaking amazing.

Ok back to business. It’s day 4 of no meds. And I feel ok. Not great but not bad πŸ™ŒπŸΎ. I cleaned up a little outside. I haven’t done this in months…. and you could tell. While outside my dog ate a bird πŸ€¦πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ I was deeply saddened. I was sweating, crying and freezing while running from wasps with my dog. It was a site to see. After that traumatic experience I had to take a nap. I was breathing like I had run a 10k. I ran errands and spent time with Moma 😍😍😍 and taught class. I have 2 more classes this week. I am very nervous but am trying to stay positive. Currently I have shooting pains in my lower and upper back and burning pain radiating from my pelvic area to under my left foot. Sugar plums and cracker jacks!!! My profanity lol!

I found some essential oils to help me relax, coloring in my bible, laying on a heating pad and drinking water! It’s going to be good! It has to be. Even when it doesn’t look good it is good because it’s working for my good! Take that satanπŸ‘ŠπŸΎπŸ‘ŠπŸΎπŸ‘ŠπŸΎ

That girl is beautiful and I will find her! I will be her! I am taking her back!!!!

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