730 Days

Today 2/10 makes 2 years since the initial pain. 2 years, 730 days of uncertain and unwarranted pain.

I remember talking to my nephew while standing in the self-checkout line at Walmart when my calf muscles started burning. I thought I needed new shoes. I remember taking my shoes off to try and ease the pain. It didn’t work. By the time we reached our destination the majority of my body had locked up leaving me unable to move. I remember being terrified because this was a pain I had never felt before.

Fast forward 730 days and I’m in bed with tears in my eyes from more pain I’ve not felt before. I’ve been up since 3am. I initially thought it was a crick in my neck from sleeping wrong. The right side of my neck/shoulder has been tight for a few days. At 2 am I felt myself trying to stretch between my shoulder blades and readjust. At 3am I woke up screaming from a pulling burning pain that felt like it was gripping my flesh and nerves and pulling them away from my bones. The pain is sitting in the middle of my shoulders and radiating up my neck to the back of my head. There’s so much pressure I can barely see. It’s also across both shoulders.

I am also nursing an injured knee. So my right knee hurts and my left leg and Achilles stays tight. Not to mention my rib cage, lower back and hips 🤷🏾‍♀️😂. I was using crutches but that made my underarms hurt and nope!!! I need something to feel ok lol. My walk is ugly and slow BUT I’m walking.

I cut Pandora on to help me get moving. I needed some praise music. I needed to be in His presence. I could feel the enemy starting to remind me of failures and negative thoughts “it’s been 2 years. He hasn’t healed you. You’re going to be in pain forever”. I quickly cut the music up. Y’all the playlist for the first few songs was:

    This is a move https://youtu.be/8I7nJSKCgo0
    Blessed https://youtu.be/5TSEW94w9kY

As I was crossing the bridge I could hear “just drive on off. It’s gotta be better than feeling like this”. I started screaming His name! I needed Him. “Keep me God” “Keep my mind, heal my body, Come see about me God”. I screamed all the way to the gas station. Then on the radio I heard:

    He’ll Take the Pain Away https://youtu.be/Ud5X7NzwV_c
  • I got to church and the sang:
  • 1. So Glad I Made it https://youtu.be/mEv6KdGmESY
  • This song says “if you see me crying, it’s just a sign that I’m still alive. In spite of the storm and rain, heartache and pain… He’s building my testimony”. Annnnnd cue the ugly cry, swollen lips and bloodshot eyes. The devil is a lie! I made it through. I will make it through. He will heal me and it WONT always be like this!
  • Today has been a hard day. I have been as war internally and physically all day. I’m battling with the enemy over my mind and my body. It’s frustrating because I want to be healed. I’ve fasted, prayed, sowed seeds, cried, believed and trusted, been prayed over and changed my life and I have NEW SYMPTOMS! Why? Why God! Why is my healing not here? Where are you? He is here. This is hard and sometimes it feels like it may take me out BUT it won’t! I almost threw in the towel BUT God was right there wiping my face with it. He was holding on to he steering wheel when I drove. He was my vision when I couldn’t see. He is holding me together when I’m falling apart and He’s pushing me when I can’t take another step.
  • Past symptoms:
    • Nausea
      Blurred/ no vision
      Pain in fingers, hands, toes, feet
      Burning pain under feet
      Burning skin
      Locked jaw
      Easily exhausted
      Heavy random sweat
      Skin changes
      Broken and weakened fingernails
      Fatigued muscles
      Achy cold bones
      Swelling
      IBS
      Back pain
      Facial pain
      Depression
      Weight gain
      Foggy brain
      All day stiffness
      Bursitis In hips and butt
      Nerve damage
  • Now add in the trigger points and I think that’s it. This disease has certainly covered more aspects of my life than I ever imagined it would.
  • Past treatments (because they worked or didn’t work for me doesn’t mean anything for anyone else)
    • Gabapentin: didn’t work
      Lyrica: didn’t work
      Tramadol: doesn’t work
      Cymbalta: didn’t work
      Tumeric: doesn’t work
      Celebrex: works but didn’t like side effects
      Omega Red 4- in- 1: maybe
      Vitamin D: undecided
      Magnesium: undecided

    I’m sure there are more but I can’t remember.

  • In 2 years I have been lower than I ever imagined. I’ve also learned more about me than I ever thought. I’ve learned to ask questions, don’t take “no” or “I don’t know” for an answer when it comes to my health. I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be ok. I’ve learned to lean on others. I have an absolutely amazing support system. They help hold me up. We depend on each other!! I’ve learned that my body depends on me to eat better and it DOES NOT like meds. I have learned to depend on God and to find a positive in EVERY SINGLE SITUATION.
  • “Despite calamity He still has a plan for me and it’s working for my good”

    Standard

    Tin Woman

    Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

    Fibromyalgia is diagnosed by general pain all over and pain in 18 (9 pairs) pressure points as indicated by red dots.

    I rarely have pain in all of them. Thank God!! Recently I have had pain in 6/9 of them (black circles). In addition I had nerve related pain across my upper back, muscle spasms in my right upper back, pain the the center of my hands and feet, burning in my hip that radiates fire down to my thigh, pain in my tail bone and fire in my legs. The extra pain is circled in blue. The days have been hard but I managed to work and have a partial social life and go to church!!! I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like a tin man. Everything is tight and hurts.

     Thursday:

    Ok so I fell asleep last night before I posted. This morning has not started off awesome physically but I am making it. I know people are praying for me and that is keeping me going today. I am trying to keep my mind busy and maybe it wont realize I am in pain. It’s not working yet but hey i’m hopeful lol. Today I really don’t feel good or even ok.

    Friday:

    Last was great! We had an amazing Zumba class. It always does my soul good to be around the women in my class. There is so much love and support in that one room. It’s so refreshing!!!

    I forgot my shoes so I had to wear my converse. I wasn’t elated but thought….. I see other instructors teach in them so it’ll be fine! I got this, I’ll be fine! I mean my feet were already hurting so it couldn’t really get worse. It didn’t! I made it! Now I was tired and won’t ever wear those again but…. I made it! Heading home I was almost in tears thinking about walking Cade 🐶. A friend came and walked him for me. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 I am so thankful for the people in my life!

    It’s 4am and I’ve been up for awhile due to radiating pain in my thighs, calf’s and feet. The bones in my feet feel like they’re breaking AND IM STILL LAYING DOWN!!!! I am dreading getting up.

    Self-check/transparent moment: I am noticing I am developing a fear or some type of anxiety when I think about moving or facing the pain. Hmm, I’m use to the go getter mindset! What is this? Adding this to my prayer journal. Gotta figure it out and squash that! IMMEDIATELY! God has not given me a spirit of fear BUT the Lord has given me power, love and a sound mind!!! Devil I see you 👀. Get that mess out of here!! (2 Timothy 1:7)

    And we’re back! Ok let me get up and walk the dog and get ready for work! I got this!!!

    I haven’t moved yet… 20 min later

    “Ok on the count of 3 I’m getting up and just doing it”

    Today has been long and hard and I’m going to bed.

    Saturday:

    OMG IT IS 60+ degrees and the sun is out!! I feel so amazing! So adventurous! So ready for anything! So I feel so alive!!! I rested about 3 hours, slept for 2 last night but magically I feel good! Well better lol. Good, I’m not sure I remember what that feels like🤷🏾‍♀️. I have so much to do today but I can get it all done and be back in bed by 5pm!

    Ready. Set. Let’s do this……

    Today was so great! I did make myself rest a few hours just because when I feel good I start feeling like superwoman then the next day I feel it in every fiber of my being. But I went to the batting cages tonight! And went 2 rounds!!!!!! I haven’t done that in years. Ahhhhh it’s been such a good day. I’m laying across my bed just reminiscing over all of the events of the day. I’m so blessed!! I pray it is pretty out tomorrow as well 🙏🏾

    Sunday:

    Happy Sunday people!!!!! This morning I started off my day with a prayer to heal a friend and within a few hours they were feeling better. I know that God is NOT a respecter of persons so I know that my healing is coming!! Complete restoration of every moment I lost hurting, joy for every tear I cried, rest for every night I laid awake and movement!!!! I will move freely and fluidly again without the concern of pain. And most of all I will share how God healed my body and those problems I USE to have I DONT HAVE ANYMORE!! “But your condition is chronic and there is no cure”. That’s what man says BUT God, My GOD says:

    “For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭30:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.”

    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    I pray your week is amazing!! Talk to me. What scripture keeps you going? What quote helps you when you’re down?

    Standard

    So…..

    Hey guys!!! Last Tuesday I began writing a post to talk about how well I have been feeling lately! The good things that are happening. How my friends and family are doing. I just wanted to share something positive with you guys because I feel like I’m always complaining and that doesn’t describe me adequately. If you know me you know I try and not complain.

    However, Wednesday hit and fibro came back with a vengeance. I’m talking mental, emotional and physical! Like a tornado of crap hit all at once. Needless to say I am going to postpone posting that blog because I want to feel the joy I felt writing it when I post it.

    Sooooooo……. since Wednesday I have probably gotten 10 hours of sleep. Yeah it sucks!!!! I feel the cycle starting and the enemy attacking. I said earlier ” I can be strong but it’s like he’s always attacking. Waiting on an opening. He’s gnawing at the bone waiting for it to break off” but as the Bible says the devil roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. BUT I serve a God who also never sleeps or stops working!!!!! Where I am weak He is strong. And this week if it was based on my own accord then I know the devil would have won BUT OHHHHHH to be kept by God!!!

    ———insert praise break———-

    So fast forward to yesterday. My legs have been aching at the bone and my neck has been feeling tired like I just can’t hold it up. Of course I do!! My lower back aches and the inside of my hip bone burns and the bursitis is back. I’ve never felt this before. Oh and my teeth/gum pain is back.

    I make it through the breast cancer walk, visit my friend in the hospital and head to bed lol. I slept about an hour then it was time for church this morning.

    I woke up feeling like “why should I go” “I’m in so much pain” “No one will even notice” “I’m too tired” “I just want to quit”. Now if the first few thoughts weren’t enough to make you see that the devil was attacking my mind then look at the last one!!!!! Seriously!??? Just that fast I thought about “not being here”. I knew then I was going to church!!! What’s the reasoning? Why waste time going to church when you can have church at home? Well because sometimes the battle is too big and you need to support of your army! Think about it….even the greatest soldier goes to war with his batoon! I know what some of you may be thinking “you said God was all you need”. Well you’re right! I did!!! And He thought enough of me to give me a family who Knows Him, believes in and seeks after Him!!! Church, the right church, is a place where the broken can go and be made whole. The right church doesn’t judge you but they accept you, love and encourage you right where you are!!!! I love my church!!!!

    I digress. So I get there and the worship service was for me!!!!! I had to hang my head an ugly cry! Listen to the songs:

    I believe by James Fortune and FYA

    https://youtu.be/HEBpyfSaDDw

    I believe the storm will soon be over.

    I believe the rain will go away

    I believe it’s already done

    See yourself out of the storm. The clouds will move. It’s time to smile again!

    this blessing is pre-approved!

    I believe that my God is a healer and I believe that I will survive!

    I believe that God is able.

    It’s already done!

    I believe God’s going to do it.

    He’s going to do it for you!

    It’s Done by Anita Wilson

    https://youtu.be/ezkMOvg-3t0

    It’s done.

    What I shall be I already am.

    My eyes may not see it. By faith I believe it.

    God is working it out on my behalf.

    It’s already done.

    Talking about crying!!!! I was CRYYYYY-ing!

    Now I’m sitting in church with my hip burning from the outside in. Causing my body to shake and my teeth are aching. Seriously 🤷🏾‍♀️ So I tuned in harder. If the devil is trying this hard then there must be something I need to hear!

    Then I went for prayer at alter call. How did my Pastors wife know what was happening??? I didn’t tell her. Anyway she prayed them my pastor prayed! He has the gift of healing.

    Talking about being rejuvenated!!

    Now yes I am still in severe pain. Yes I am uncomfortable but still smiling. I KNOW I WILL make it!!!!

    I am ready to fight this week. Yeah it’s a war BUT I’m showing up and I’m ready to fight!!!

    Now here is what I haven’t been doing that I usually do:

    1. Didn’t pay my tithe (for those of you who know how important this is I could truly stop there). Paid it today!!!

    2. Haven’t spent time with my boo (God) so I don’t feel as close to Him as I have been. Funny how that works.

    3. I’ve eaten horribly and my water intake is still drastically lacking

    4. No sleep #TeamNoSleep (people post that like it’s cool. I don’t want to be that cool) #TeamImSleepy

    Hopefully I sleep tonight!

    5. Lack of me time

    I will make an effort to change these things this week!

    Things to pray for this week:

    1. My healing: mentally, physically, financially and emotionally

    2. My bible study friends lung collapsed and she’s in the hospital

    3. My cousins mom who is starting dialysis soon

    4. My mom as she prepares to head out of town

    5. My dads health. He never speaks about it but I know he has joint issues as well

    6. My friend who has inflamed intestines

    7. My friends mom who is awaiting her results to see if she has cancer. And my friend who is her support system while he is dealing with life’s ups and downs

    8. My sister

    9. My friend who has been dealing with a migraine for a week now

    10. All of those who suffer from chronic illnesses and their support system

    I pray for each of you reading this post. That God will bind up any affliction that you may be faced with. That He heals you and gives you peace. That He provides clarity on things you can’t see clearly and that you feel His presence with you as you face this week. I pray you know you are not alone in whatever you have going on. I pray He gives you strength to continue to endure until He delivers you!! Trouble does not last always. Joy comes on the mourning! Cry!!! Cry hard!!! Joy is coming!!! Lord we trust you! We worship and adore you. We know that you are Lord and we call you that! You are mighty and sooo good to us. We thank you for making away when we can’t see one. Lord I ask you to continue to guide us as hold our hands as we each travel on our journey this week. Thank you for what you’ve done and what you’re going to do. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!!!

    Standard

    There’s Hope

    It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie

    Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

    Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up

    Body:

    So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.

    Symptoms:

    blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.

    On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!

    Meds:

    Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾‍♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,

    Realizations:

    1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.

    2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy

    3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.

    4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.

    5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!

    Events:

    1- Birthday (33) Great day

    2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting

    3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!

    4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾‍♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.

    5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.

    6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!

    7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.

    8- started working on my mental state!!

    9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1

    10- I went to saved in the City for the first time! Such an amazing life changing event! 11- finished my class and registered for my next!!

    12- started preparing for my business!!

    13- went to my friends gender reveal

    14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.

    Goals:

    1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.

    2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.

    3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.

    4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.

    5- learn to say no!

    Songs: This is my favorite part

    Waymaker

    Won’t He Do It (Remix)

    Lord You Are Good

    War

    I Got That (Hip Hop)

    Bible Verses:

    Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

    Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

    ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

    ‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

    ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

    ‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”

    Numbers‬ ‭15:41‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!

    Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

    It’s 3:35am. My body is tired. The pain is real but I know it’s because I haven’t been able to rest in 2 weeks. I have so many bruises and sore spots on my legs. My teeth feel like they may come out and my face may cave in!!! Lol but It was worth it!!!

    Standard

    Focus on the Butterfly 🦋

    Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

    My life. My. Life!

    Lord I am thankful for my life.

    There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

    In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

    I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

    So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

    The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

    “It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

    Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

    I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

    Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

    I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

    “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

    -Proverbs 15:13

    One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

    I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

    I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

    Standard

    Confessions of a Beautiful Shell

    It’s like being under water and hoping that the last breath you took will be enough to get you back to the surface. Then realizing you underestimated the distance and are now in despair. Your heart pumps faster and faster, you can feel the air leaving your body but you are trying to hold on. You want to hold on! You want to make it to the surface!!

    This is what the past few weeks have been like for me. The surface is my normal life! My happy go lucky attitude, my ability to be there for everyone and my desire to live life out loud! Under the water represents this disease and the current life I am living. A life of just trying to make it. Trying to smile. Remembering to breathe. Not break down crying at every moment. Not spiral out of control. To not lose my shit!!

    Can’t tell? Had no idea huh? That’s because I have a Beautiful Shell! My outer appearance manages to show up, to smile, to be inviting, to fool people so they believe you when you say “I’m good” while on the inside being anything but “good”. Why the title for this particular blog? I want people to understand that often times we walk around with shells on. With a hard casing concealing or providing shelter for what’s inside. I have been wearing a Shell but for a moment I want to give you a peak on the inside.

    Here goes. . .

    For the last few weeks I have been depressed. Not the typical “had a bad day” sad but the “broken on the inside” sad. This has been very tough for me to admit and talk about but I received my second confirmation that I need to share. So here I am. Open. Vulnerable.

    On June 30th I began feeling a sense of something isn’t right. It was as if I could see and hear everyone but they seemed to become further and further away from me. I began to pull away only talking to those who pulled convo from me. I feel lost and alone. I’ve worked with people who suffer from depression and have been around it with multiple friends but never has it hit home. I am doing the “coping skills” and “pushing forward” but I am just existing not living.

    What led me here? Now that’s is a darn good question. I had a few things happen to me but nothing the old me couldn’t handle. I do believe emotional health ties into physical health. I think my body is tired of fighting mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s just too much!!! Inner turmoil is the worst kind. I know there is good. I know there is!! I see people who love me and care about me and who show me daily. But all I can see is the downs. I feel trapped. Today I remembered a picture that hung in my late grandads living room that said “when you get to the end of your rope hold on”. Well I’m holding but what do you do when you’re losing your grip or the rope is breaking? I can hear all of my moms tools that she would say when we were kids “cry! Cry real hard then get up” “give yourself a minute then wipe your tears” “go to sleep and when you wake up it will be over”. Ok the last one I heard a lot when I was grounded and couldn’t go places😂. But tools like these have been helping me my adult life. I just can’t seem to pull myself out of it.

    Fast forward to July 14th-my birthday was good. It had all of the right ingredients to be good. There was family time, great gifts, calls from friends… but I kept thinking about how I didn’t get to show up for my mom on her bday (7/12) and how my life is right now and I had a panic attack on my birthday.

    I think it’s that my mind can’t heal because of my body and my body can’t heal because of my mind. It’s a circle effect.

    7/16 I began being hot and cold at the same time really bad. I will be dripping with sweat and have chills at the same time. Im so hot/cold. I’m constantly sweaty. Gross! Thank God for wipes🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

    7/19 I decided to come off of all my medication. Well all physician prescribed meds anyway. I am taking: Aleeve gel caps, Vitamins C&D, magnesium, Zyflamend, a 4 in 1 natural something and a fibromyalgia vitamin. That’s it!! Still seems like a lot but it’s all natural.

    Day 2: Lord Give Me Strength, I’m just trying to make it through

    Today I am a sweaty and cold mess. The pain is becoming more fierce. I have decided I will not cry!! The pain is really everywhere BUT it is not constant and for that I am very thankful! Today i stayed in bed sweating and freezing until around 2pm when Cade (my puppy) just couldn’t lay down any longer. I pulled myself up and washed my sheets. It’s really quite disgusting how one can smell after sweating a lot night after night! I couldn’t take it anymore lol. I stunk and so did my dog! After taking my sheets to my washer machine which is approximately 10ft from my bed, I needed to rest. I was dripping sweat and freezing cold and light headed all at the same time! I’m so tired of being “hot cold” I could cry ……but I’m not doing that so🤷🏾‍♀️. I saw this picture and thought yep! Tats it! That’s exactly how I feel!!

    I am trying to make myself do something other than sit in the house. So tonight I went to see the musical Hairspray. Guys it was sooooooo good! It covered everything!!! It was great but 2 hours long and cold. I packed a coat, a blanket scarf and socks. I used them all. From sitting up I have pain shooting up my neck and across my shoulders. Not to mention my skin has burned all day!! A-L-L-D-A-Y!!! I made it through the first act fine but the second act was tough. I felt like I was moaning a lot lol but oh well maybe they thought it was the elderly lady next to me 💁🏾‍♀️.

    I am finally done with today!!! I am reading my new bible and going to bed. I am loving the woman that I am becoming!

    Day 3: Happy Sunday

    This morning I woke up exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted but I made myself go to church. One of the scriptures read was Romans 8:31

    What shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

    Then My amazing new Bible led me to Romans 8:28

    And we know that in ALL things God work’s for the good of those who Love him, who have been called according to his purpose

    Then the choir sang “Late in the midnight hour God’s going to turn it around! It’s going to work in your favor!”

    THENNNNNN the Pastor specifically mentioned someone in need of prayer for depression!! Umm 🙋🏾‍♀️ yep me! How did he know? God is that you???? Yep it’s you! I know it’s you!

    Y’all!!!!!! (insert extreme praise)

    So much has happened to me lately. So much I could chose to let keep me down or even take me out! Sooooo much turmoil mental and so much pain physically I felt like I was losing my mind!!!

    But God kept me. He is keeping me. I am sooo grateful.

    Day 4: Moma Monday

    So first off I got to hang out with my mom today!! It was so nice! That lady is pretty freaking amazing.

    Ok back to business. It’s day 4 of no meds. And I feel ok. Not great but not bad 🙌🏾. I cleaned up a little outside. I haven’t done this in months…. and you could tell. While outside my dog ate a bird 🤦🏾‍♀️ I was deeply saddened. I was sweating, crying and freezing while running from wasps with my dog. It was a site to see. After that traumatic experience I had to take a nap. I was breathing like I had run a 10k. I ran errands and spent time with Moma 😍😍😍 and taught class. I have 2 more classes this week. I am very nervous but am trying to stay positive. Currently I have shooting pains in my lower and upper back and burning pain radiating from my pelvic area to under my left foot. Sugar plums and cracker jacks!!! My profanity lol!

    I found some essential oils to help me relax, coloring in my bible, laying on a heating pad and drinking water! It’s going to be good! It has to be. Even when it doesn’t look good it is good because it’s working for my good! Take that satan👊🏾👊🏾👊🏾

    That girl is beautiful and I will find her! I will be her! I am taking her back!!!!

    Standard