730 Days

Today 2/10 makes 2 years since the initial pain. 2 years, 730 days of uncertain and unwarranted pain.

I remember talking to my nephew while standing in the self-checkout line at Walmart when my calf muscles started burning. I thought I needed new shoes. I remember taking my shoes off to try and ease the pain. It didn’t work. By the time we reached our destination the majority of my body had locked up leaving me unable to move. I remember being terrified because this was a pain I had never felt before.

Fast forward 730 days and I’m in bed with tears in my eyes from more pain I’ve not felt before. I’ve been up since 3am. I initially thought it was a crick in my neck from sleeping wrong. The right side of my neck/shoulder has been tight for a few days. At 2 am I felt myself trying to stretch between my shoulder blades and readjust. At 3am I woke up screaming from a pulling burning pain that felt like it was gripping my flesh and nerves and pulling them away from my bones. The pain is sitting in the middle of my shoulders and radiating up my neck to the back of my head. There’s so much pressure I can barely see. It’s also across both shoulders.

I am also nursing an injured knee. So my right knee hurts and my left leg and Achilles stays tight. Not to mention my rib cage, lower back and hips 🤷🏾‍♀️😂. I was using crutches but that made my underarms hurt and nope!!! I need something to feel ok lol. My walk is ugly and slow BUT I’m walking.

I cut Pandora on to help me get moving. I needed some praise music. I needed to be in His presence. I could feel the enemy starting to remind me of failures and negative thoughts “it’s been 2 years. He hasn’t healed you. You’re going to be in pain forever”. I quickly cut the music up. Y’all the playlist for the first few songs was:

    This is a move https://youtu.be/8I7nJSKCgo0
    Blessed https://youtu.be/5TSEW94w9kY

As I was crossing the bridge I could hear “just drive on off. It’s gotta be better than feeling like this”. I started screaming His name! I needed Him. “Keep me God” “Keep my mind, heal my body, Come see about me God”. I screamed all the way to the gas station. Then on the radio I heard:

    He’ll Take the Pain Away https://youtu.be/Ud5X7NzwV_c
  • I got to church and the sang:
  • 1. So Glad I Made it https://youtu.be/mEv6KdGmESY
  • This song says “if you see me crying, it’s just a sign that I’m still alive. In spite of the storm and rain, heartache and pain… He’s building my testimony”. Annnnnd cue the ugly cry, swollen lips and bloodshot eyes. The devil is a lie! I made it through. I will make it through. He will heal me and it WONT always be like this!
  • Today has been a hard day. I have been as war internally and physically all day. I’m battling with the enemy over my mind and my body. It’s frustrating because I want to be healed. I’ve fasted, prayed, sowed seeds, cried, believed and trusted, been prayed over and changed my life and I have NEW SYMPTOMS! Why? Why God! Why is my healing not here? Where are you? He is here. This is hard and sometimes it feels like it may take me out BUT it won’t! I almost threw in the towel BUT God was right there wiping my face with it. He was holding on to he steering wheel when I drove. He was my vision when I couldn’t see. He is holding me together when I’m falling apart and He’s pushing me when I can’t take another step.
  • Past symptoms:
    • Nausea
      Blurred/ no vision
      Pain in fingers, hands, toes, feet
      Burning pain under feet
      Burning skin
      Locked jaw
      Easily exhausted
      Heavy random sweat
      Skin changes
      Broken and weakened fingernails
      Fatigued muscles
      Achy cold bones
      Swelling
      IBS
      Back pain
      Facial pain
      Depression
      Weight gain
      Foggy brain
      All day stiffness
      Bursitis In hips and butt
      Nerve damage
  • Now add in the trigger points and I think that’s it. This disease has certainly covered more aspects of my life than I ever imagined it would.
  • Past treatments (because they worked or didn’t work for me doesn’t mean anything for anyone else)
    • Gabapentin: didn’t work
      Lyrica: didn’t work
      Tramadol: doesn’t work
      Cymbalta: didn’t work
      Tumeric: doesn’t work
      Celebrex: works but didn’t like side effects
      Omega Red 4- in- 1: maybe
      Vitamin D: undecided
      Magnesium: undecided

    I’m sure there are more but I can’t remember.

  • In 2 years I have been lower than I ever imagined. I’ve also learned more about me than I ever thought. I’ve learned to ask questions, don’t take “no” or “I don’t know” for an answer when it comes to my health. I’ve learned that it’s ok to not be ok. I’ve learned to lean on others. I have an absolutely amazing support system. They help hold me up. We depend on each other!! I’ve learned that my body depends on me to eat better and it DOES NOT like meds. I have learned to depend on God and to find a positive in EVERY SINGLE SITUATION.
  • “Despite calamity He still has a plan for me and it’s working for my good”

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    Tin Woman

    Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

    Fibromyalgia is diagnosed by general pain all over and pain in 18 (9 pairs) pressure points as indicated by red dots.

    I rarely have pain in all of them. Thank God!! Recently I have had pain in 6/9 of them (black circles). In addition I had nerve related pain across my upper back, muscle spasms in my right upper back, pain the the center of my hands and feet, burning in my hip that radiates fire down to my thigh, pain in my tail bone and fire in my legs. The extra pain is circled in blue. The days have been hard but I managed to work and have a partial social life and go to church!!! I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like a tin man. Everything is tight and hurts.

     Thursday:

    Ok so I fell asleep last night before I posted. This morning has not started off awesome physically but I am making it. I know people are praying for me and that is keeping me going today. I am trying to keep my mind busy and maybe it wont realize I am in pain. It’s not working yet but hey i’m hopeful lol. Today I really don’t feel good or even ok.

    Friday:

    Last was great! We had an amazing Zumba class. It always does my soul good to be around the women in my class. There is so much love and support in that one room. It’s so refreshing!!!

    I forgot my shoes so I had to wear my converse. I wasn’t elated but thought….. I see other instructors teach in them so it’ll be fine! I got this, I’ll be fine! I mean my feet were already hurting so it couldn’t really get worse. It didn’t! I made it! Now I was tired and won’t ever wear those again but…. I made it! Heading home I was almost in tears thinking about walking Cade 🐶. A friend came and walked him for me. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 I am so thankful for the people in my life!

    It’s 4am and I’ve been up for awhile due to radiating pain in my thighs, calf’s and feet. The bones in my feet feel like they’re breaking AND IM STILL LAYING DOWN!!!! I am dreading getting up.

    Self-check/transparent moment: I am noticing I am developing a fear or some type of anxiety when I think about moving or facing the pain. Hmm, I’m use to the go getter mindset! What is this? Adding this to my prayer journal. Gotta figure it out and squash that! IMMEDIATELY! God has not given me a spirit of fear BUT the Lord has given me power, love and a sound mind!!! Devil I see you 👀. Get that mess out of here!! (2 Timothy 1:7)

    And we’re back! Ok let me get up and walk the dog and get ready for work! I got this!!!

    I haven’t moved yet… 20 min later

    “Ok on the count of 3 I’m getting up and just doing it”

    Today has been long and hard and I’m going to bed.

    Saturday:

    OMG IT IS 60+ degrees and the sun is out!! I feel so amazing! So adventurous! So ready for anything! So I feel so alive!!! I rested about 3 hours, slept for 2 last night but magically I feel good! Well better lol. Good, I’m not sure I remember what that feels like🤷🏾‍♀️. I have so much to do today but I can get it all done and be back in bed by 5pm!

    Ready. Set. Let’s do this……

    Today was so great! I did make myself rest a few hours just because when I feel good I start feeling like superwoman then the next day I feel it in every fiber of my being. But I went to the batting cages tonight! And went 2 rounds!!!!!! I haven’t done that in years. Ahhhhh it’s been such a good day. I’m laying across my bed just reminiscing over all of the events of the day. I’m so blessed!! I pray it is pretty out tomorrow as well 🙏🏾

    Sunday:

    Happy Sunday people!!!!! This morning I started off my day with a prayer to heal a friend and within a few hours they were feeling better. I know that God is NOT a respecter of persons so I know that my healing is coming!! Complete restoration of every moment I lost hurting, joy for every tear I cried, rest for every night I laid awake and movement!!!! I will move freely and fluidly again without the concern of pain. And most of all I will share how God healed my body and those problems I USE to have I DONT HAVE ANYMORE!! “But your condition is chronic and there is no cure”. That’s what man says BUT God, My GOD says:

    “For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭30:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.”

    ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭KJV‬‬

    I pray your week is amazing!! Talk to me. What scripture keeps you going? What quote helps you when you’re down?

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    The Year of the Turn Up

    HEYYYYYY F4 Tribe!!! Geez how I have missed you. So before I get started let me say I have so many drafted post that I will post soon but I wanted to talk to you guys ASAP. With that being said, of course my fingers are not wanting to co-operate at them moment but I promised a lady that I would post soon. Today is soon!!

    Welcome to the brand new year!!! So we are all used to hearing “New year, new me” but I am the same me in this new year.

    So what does this mean for me? Glad you asked! This has got to be the year I turn myself up! I expect more from me. More focus on my goals, more initiative go accomplish my goals. More focus on being who God wants me to be and turning up my fitness level to get more healthy! I’m turning up the volume on my life!

    So how will I do this? Meal prep, cardio, weights and Zumba class.

    Well….. so I started writing this post 2 weeks ago. Things have changed since then. I was getting in the habit of running and class and working (walking) and well to make a long story short my body hated it! As a matter of fact God send me two, YES TWO messages through two women of God! One while I was preparing to pass out from the pain. I have been feeling more faint lately but have only actually passed out once. Crazy how your body can just say “hey, this is too much. BRB”. The WOG (woman of God) text me and then called me. I know it was God because of the things she said. She wouldn’t have known that. Then that Sunday I made myself go to church and my WOG came and prayed for me because I was tugging at her spirit. Talking about a blow to my spirit and mental state!! I have not ran since then. I am watching what
    I eat but not like I should. I really have to be more cautious of what I put in my body.

    Update:

    My current state of mind: exhausted, stressed and unable to remain focused.

    My current health: Fibro is back. Which is sad because other than a few random not great days, I have been feeling pretty good. The past 2 weeks have been not so great. The past week my vision has been very blurry, pain has increased, all day stiffness, lower back pain has been at a steady 8/10, I’ve been in a constant state of nausea. But I have been able to keep food down the last few days so woop woop! Chewing has been hard and my face hurts. I kind of feel like someone punched me in the eye a few times.

    School: starting up again in March. I have enjoyed this brief break!!

    Fitness classes: I have dropped down to teaching two classes a week and that is really all my body can take right now. It saddens me but I have to accept this is where I am right now.

    Medical: I was take Celebrex but gained a lot of weight really fast and it made my legs feel heavy. Make no mistake when the pain becomes awful (by my standards) I will take one. As many of you know my rheumatologist/ pain specialist was found guilty of inappropriate conduct of over 20 women…….ugh! He knew he was guilty and could have said something. He left a lot of people stranded. Anyway I have been without a doctor since October. Well, I finally got in to see one! My appointment is at the end of February, Praise God!!! He is suppose to be really good with fibro and offers things such as water therapy, pain therapy, needling and of course the shots! I never thought I would miss those horrible shots but Lawd Jezus shoot me up!! I am sleeping more but feeling less rested. I’m not sure why? My multi-vitamins and spark by Advocare (which I love) is NOT working.

    Work: equals stress and motivation to keep going to school and have my own! That is all!

    Life: overall my life is amazing!! I am learning more about me daily! Becoming closer with God, my family and friends. I’m forming healthy relationships and letting go of toxic ones. My classes are full of loyal ladies and I am told weekly how awesome I am at what I do (flips hair..I know right). HaHa. Seriously, I still love what I do. I am elated at watching myself grow and I love the me I am becoming!!

    The Turn Up: Honestly ya’ll, I don’t even know. Where to begin or what to do. So I am just praying. I do know that

    “he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake”

                                                                                                                      – Psalm 23:3 NIV

    Before I go I do want to share one of the messages God gave me this week. As I was riding to work fighting back the tears, because ya’ll know how I feel about myself crying, God said “Don’t be afraid to be the lamb because you’ve got a lion behind you”! YALLLLLLLLLLL!!! If you didn’t catch that let me break it down for you. I am the lamb. The weaker more meek and smaller animal.  God is the ferocious, handle all things, king of the jungle, strong and mighty lion. I am getting happy typing it! So what I took from that is that it’s ok for me to be weaker, for me to cry and not be mighty because baby I have The almighty, all knowing, healing, waymaking, turning it around, restoring, mind clearing, peace giving and body healing God behind me!!!! OHHHHH He is so good!!!!

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    Focus on the Butterfly 🦋

    Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

    My life. My. Life!

    Lord I am thankful for my life.

    There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

    In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

    I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

    So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

    The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

    “It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

    Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

    I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

    Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

    I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

    “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

    -Proverbs 15:13

    One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

    I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

    I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

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