Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.
My life. My. Life!
Lord I am thankful for my life.
There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.
In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!
I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.
So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!
The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:
“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”
Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!
I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!
Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!
I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.
“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”
One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.
I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.
I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!