So…..

Hey guys!!! Last Tuesday I began writing a post to talk about how well I have been feeling lately! The good things that are happening. How my friends and family are doing. I just wanted to share something positive with you guys because I feel like I’m always complaining and that doesn’t describe me adequately. If you know me you know I try and not complain.

However, Wednesday hit and fibro came back with a vengeance. I’m talking mental, emotional and physical! Like a tornado of crap hit all at once. Needless to say I am going to postpone posting that blog because I want to feel the joy I felt writing it when I post it.

Sooooooo……. since Wednesday I have probably gotten 10 hours of sleep. Yeah it sucks!!!! I feel the cycle starting and the enemy attacking. I said earlier ” I can be strong but it’s like he’s always attacking. Waiting on an opening. He’s gnawing at the bone waiting for it to break off” but as the Bible says the devil roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. BUT I serve a God who also never sleeps or stops working!!!!! Where I am weak He is strong. And this week if it was based on my own accord then I know the devil would have won BUT OHHHHHH to be kept by God!!!

———insert praise break———-

So fast forward to yesterday. My legs have been aching at the bone and my neck has been feeling tired like I just can’t hold it up. Of course I do!! My lower back aches and the inside of my hip bone burns and the bursitis is back. I’ve never felt this before. Oh and my teeth/gum pain is back.

I make it through the breast cancer walk, visit my friend in the hospital and head to bed lol. I slept about an hour then it was time for church this morning.

I woke up feeling like “why should I go” “I’m in so much pain” “No one will even notice” “I’m too tired” “I just want to quit”. Now if the first few thoughts weren’t enough to make you see that the devil was attacking my mind then look at the last one!!!!! Seriously!??? Just that fast I thought about “not being here”. I knew then I was going to church!!! What’s the reasoning? Why waste time going to church when you can have church at home? Well because sometimes the battle is too big and you need to support of your army! Think about it….even the greatest soldier goes to war with his batoon! I know what some of you may be thinking “you said God was all you need”. Well you’re right! I did!!! And He thought enough of me to give me a family who Knows Him, believes in and seeks after Him!!! Church, the right church, is a place where the broken can go and be made whole. The right church doesn’t judge you but they accept you, love and encourage you right where you are!!!! I love my church!!!!

I digress. So I get there and the worship service was for me!!!!! I had to hang my head an ugly cry! Listen to the songs:

I believe by James Fortune and FYA

https://youtu.be/HEBpyfSaDDw

I believe the storm will soon be over.

I believe the rain will go away

I believe it’s already done

See yourself out of the storm. The clouds will move. It’s time to smile again!

this blessing is pre-approved!

I believe that my God is a healer and I believe that I will survive!

I believe that God is able.

It’s already done!

I believe God’s going to do it.

He’s going to do it for you!

It’s Done by Anita Wilson

https://youtu.be/ezkMOvg-3t0

It’s done.

What I shall be I already am.

My eyes may not see it. By faith I believe it.

God is working it out on my behalf.

It’s already done.

Talking about crying!!!! I was CRYYYYY-ing!

Now I’m sitting in church with my hip burning from the outside in. Causing my body to shake and my teeth are aching. Seriously 🤷🏾‍♀️ So I tuned in harder. If the devil is trying this hard then there must be something I need to hear!

Then I went for prayer at alter call. How did my Pastors wife know what was happening??? I didn’t tell her. Anyway she prayed them my pastor prayed! He has the gift of healing.

Talking about being rejuvenated!!

Now yes I am still in severe pain. Yes I am uncomfortable but still smiling. I KNOW I WILL make it!!!!

I am ready to fight this week. Yeah it’s a war BUT I’m showing up and I’m ready to fight!!!

Now here is what I haven’t been doing that I usually do:

1. Didn’t pay my tithe (for those of you who know how important this is I could truly stop there). Paid it today!!!

2. Haven’t spent time with my boo (God) so I don’t feel as close to Him as I have been. Funny how that works.

3. I’ve eaten horribly and my water intake is still drastically lacking

4. No sleep #TeamNoSleep (people post that like it’s cool. I don’t want to be that cool) #TeamImSleepy

Hopefully I sleep tonight!

5. Lack of me time

I will make an effort to change these things this week!

Things to pray for this week:

1. My healing: mentally, physically, financially and emotionally

2. My bible study friends lung collapsed and she’s in the hospital

3. My cousins mom who is starting dialysis soon

4. My mom as she prepares to head out of town

5. My dads health. He never speaks about it but I know he has joint issues as well

6. My friend who has inflamed intestines

7. My friends mom who is awaiting her results to see if she has cancer. And my friend who is her support system while he is dealing with life’s ups and downs

8. My sister

9. My friend who has been dealing with a migraine for a week now

10. All of those who suffer from chronic illnesses and their support system

I pray for each of you reading this post. That God will bind up any affliction that you may be faced with. That He heals you and gives you peace. That He provides clarity on things you can’t see clearly and that you feel His presence with you as you face this week. I pray you know you are not alone in whatever you have going on. I pray He gives you strength to continue to endure until He delivers you!! Trouble does not last always. Joy comes on the mourning! Cry!!! Cry hard!!! Joy is coming!!! Lord we trust you! We worship and adore you. We know that you are Lord and we call you that! You are mighty and sooo good to us. We thank you for making away when we can’t see one. Lord I ask you to continue to guide us as hold our hands as we each travel on our journey this week. Thank you for what you’ve done and what you’re going to do. In Jesus name I pray. Amen!!!

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There’s Hope

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie

Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up

Body:

So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.

Symptoms:

blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.

On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!

Meds:

Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾‍♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,

Realizations:

1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.

2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy

3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.

4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.

5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!

Events:

1- Birthday (33) Great day

2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting

3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!

4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾‍♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.

5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.

6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!

7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.

8- started working on my mental state!!

9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1

10- I went to saved in the City for the first time! Such an amazing life changing event! 11- finished my class and registered for my next!!

12- started preparing for my business!!

13- went to my friends gender reveal

14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.

Goals:

1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.

2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.

3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.

4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.

5- learn to say no!

Songs: This is my favorite part

Waymaker

Won’t He Do It (Remix)

Lord You Are Good

War

I Got That (Hip Hop)

Bible Verses:

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”

Numbers‬ ‭15:41‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!

Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It’s 3:35am. My body is tired. The pain is real but I know it’s because I haven’t been able to rest in 2 weeks. I have so many bruises and sore spots on my legs. My teeth feel like they may come out and my face may cave in!!! Lol but It was worth it!!!

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