There’s Hope

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie

Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up

Body:

So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.

Symptoms:

blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.

On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!

Meds:

Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾‍♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,

Realizations:

1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.

2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy

3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.

4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.

5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!

Events:

1- Birthday (33) Great day

2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting

3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!

4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾‍♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.

5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.

6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!

7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.

8- started working on my mental state!!

9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1

10- I went to saved in the City for the first time! Such an amazing life changing event! 11- finished my class and registered for my next!!

12- started preparing for my business!!

13- went to my friends gender reveal

14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.

Goals:

1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.

2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.

3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.

4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.

5- learn to say no!

Songs: This is my favorite part

Waymaker

Won’t He Do It (Remix)

Lord You Are Good

War

I Got That (Hip Hop)

Bible Verses:

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”

Numbers‬ ‭15:41‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!

Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It’s 3:35am. My body is tired. The pain is real but I know it’s because I haven’t been able to rest in 2 weeks. I have so many bruises and sore spots on my legs. My teeth feel like they may come out and my face may cave in!!! Lol but It was worth it!!!

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Focus on the Butterfly 🦋

Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

My life. My. Life!

Lord I am thankful for my life.

There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

-Proverbs 15:13

One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

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