Short-term Faith in the Valley

Hello FT4 Tribe,

I am finally back! I apologize for the long break. I have been drafting a post since the end of June. I’ve also been in a flare since then. It has been hard finding a good moment to write when my hands are working and I can concentrate. I also wanted to make sure I had something to say that was worth reading. After Sunday I feel like I can finally post! I will share what’s been going on with me at the end of the post.

Now to the good stuff!!

Have you ever had events happen to you and you’re on a high and then all of the sudden there’s nothing happening. Nothing. Nothing good, nothing bad, just nothing. Nothing special. Nothing amazing. There may be a feeling of winds blowing causing you to sway. Or there may be storms that come that scare you. Or a feeling of just something in your way. It’s not big but it’s annoying! Well, that’s how I feel and have felt the passed few weeks. I’ve had some pretty amazing life changes happen but since things have been a little blah. Nothing amazing but nothing horrible either. Everything is just a little mundane. Don’t get me wrong I am thankful for what I have!!! Some may say “who does she think she is to expect good things all the time, to expect blessings and favor all the time? Well….. why wouldn’t I? I am a believer, tithe payer, I work hard and I put good things out so I expect good things to come back to me. Plus what’s wrong with expecting amazingness 🤷🏾‍♀️. I feel like I’m just existing. I’m going through the emotions and actions on life. Kind of like I’m am on auto pilot. Have you ever felt like that?

Yesterday I was awaken at 1:30am by my dogs barking. It startled me. I woke up thinking “do I need to get my gun or is it an animal outside or can I just pray about it and go back to sleep”? I chose to pray about it and went back to sleep 😂. I cut on the fan, cooled off and went back to sleep. I try not to use the fan because being cold isn’t good for my body. Well at 3:30ish I felt pain shoot from the base of my skull to my hips. I was lying on my stomach, on my heating pad and body pillow. As bad as the pain was I couldn’t move. I wanted to get up but it hurt worse to move so I didn’t. I wondered what happened? Yesterday I was 90% pain free. I made it a point to not do much so I wouldn’t be in pain. Yet here I was IN PAIN! IN SEVERE PAIN! The fan! That darn fan!!! It got me. I couldn’t cut it off because I couldn’t move. Ugh!!! I decided I wouldn’t go to church. I didn’t want to move. The outfit I picked out was no longer appealing because it was going to touch my skin. And it’s soooo cold in church. The thought of continuing to be cold gave me anxiety because I knew that equaled more pain! I couldn’t handle more pain. I laid in the bed in pain and for hours trying to go back to sleep. I finally did because at 7:16 my alarm woke me up. Although the pain was less severe I still couldn’t move. Church started at 8am. At 8:07 I was still in bed. I wasn’t going. Then I thought “I would find a way to get up and go to work”. So I counted to 5 and pushed myself off of my bed. I threw on a dress that was long enough to cover my leggings. I wear leggings underneath to provide warmth and keep my skin protected. I got to church and my pastors wife (also my pastor) was asking the church to allow the spirit to lead the service instead of being stuck in a traditional routine. I think sometimes being so strict on how service should look could cause people to miss their blessing 🤷🏾‍♀️. Afterwards another female minister got up to preach. Typically I am not thrilled when we have guest speakers. Today was no different. I had already reached my goal of just going to church. I didn’t really expect anything else while there. Now, the woman that spoke was anointed but I just didn’t feel like listening. (Wheewwww in hindsight I see that spirit almost messed me up).

Her message was about being desperate for God to move. I thought that was pretty cool. Then she gave these lyrics by Smokie Norful

Not a second of another minute.

Not an hour of another day

But at this moment with my arms outstretched

I need you to make a way

That got my attention. That’s exactly how I have been feeling the last few hours. Like Lord come now! Heal me now! Help me now! She spoke from Mark 5. The story of Jesus raising the woman from the dead. Of course I love this story. I mean who doesn’t get excited about hearing of Jesus preforming miracles! In the middle of her short (🙌🏾) sermon I heard “valley” in my spirit. That was kind of odd because it didn’t really have anything to do with what I was hearing from the word. I heard it several more times so I wrote it down to go research it later. To summarize the a man asked Jesus to help his dead young daughter arise. There were people around who taunted him and ask why was he bothering Jesus when the girl was already dead. Jesus heard them and told him “don’t be afraid, just believe” (Mark 5:36). Jesus then put all of them out!! Sounds like what we need to do when we are praying and believing for something but we are around people who don’t believe in us or that He will do it. Let the haters go! Cut them off! Get away from them! If you can’t move them then move yourself!! Jesus separated them so He could perform a miracle! STOP THE PRESSES! Think about that for a min! How many times did He separate you so He could bless you? Whew!!!! At the end of her story she said “my purpose today is to encourage you and tell you what that it may be hard or overwhelming but God is coming to your aide and pray for you who need help”. She called for people with cancer to come down. Not me. She called for something else. Wasn’t me. Then she said “if you need healing from anything”. I thought “I already got prayer for this. I already believe I’m healed. I can’t keep going up there for the same thing”. See how quick the enemy works? He shot his shot🙄.

Well I went anyway. I got to the altar and stood in the long line of others who needed prayer. As I was standing there the choir sang “We claim a healing” over and over. I began to feel like I was going to battle. I was getting stronger! Like maybe I was going to be ok. Then I heard “valley” again. Tears started running down my face. Sometimes you gotta just let it go.

As she got closer to me I began preparing what I was going to say, how I was going to say it and how to throw in prayer for someone close to me too. Ok y’all ready for more awesomeness?

Pause for dramatic effect

The spirit filled healing team of two got to me me and they spoke! One said “God told me it was you” the other followed with “it’s your feet and legs” as she knelt down to pray over my shoeless feet. Y’all!!!!!! I was straight up ugly crying, body shaking and crying out. Did y’all catch that? I was preparing and coming up with a plan BUT when they got to me I didn’t have to say a word because they already knew! All I had to do was come down!!!! So many times we are preparing and planning when God has already worked it out. He is just waiting on us. Waiting to see if we will be obedient and be faithful! They prayed over me and my body followed by my Pastor who sealed the prayer! Why did I break down (other than this)? I broke down because at that moment I knew He heard me. I knew He knew my name. Out of all of the places, all the people in the room, He told her my name! I was feeling so unworthy, insignificant, unimportant, forgotten and over looked! But ohhhhhh BUT GOD! He knows my name! He knows my cry like a parent knows the cry of their child mixed in with 100 other cries. I am (we are) that important to Him!

As if that wasn’t enough in Sunday school we studied 1 Samuel 1:9. This is the story of barren Hannah. Verse says 19 “and God remembered her”. Now God was just showing out!!! So like Him! Going above and beyond for His children!

Short Term Faith:

Sometimes it’s hard to keep my eyes on Him and my faith strong when I am in so much pain I can’t see my way out. Or when: I can’t physically see, the pain is so great I can’t breathe, I’m having panic attacks when I look at the weather for the week and see rain, I feel like I’m walking on bone that are breaking, having panic attacks for an unknown reason. It’s hard to remember the Son in the middle of the storm 😉. Now my long- term faith is unwavering! I know that He is the I am. I know He will heal me of this regardless of what the doctor says. But my short/term needs work! But how do I do that? By putting more word in me! By reading it, listening to it, studying it. By talking to Him and telling Him how I feel and LISTENING to Him. How is your short-term faith? If it’s not as strong as your long-term think of some ways to work on it. If you have something that’s worked for you then please share in the comments section.

The Valley:

The typical definition is a low area between hills or mountains. The Bible, however, refers to the valley in several different context. It can be a place of healing, restoration, decision making, suffering m, and battles. A few of the many valleys talked about it the Bible are:

Valley of Shadow of Death: dark and hopeless place

Valley of Eschol: a place of decision making

Valley of Kidron (Jehoshaphat)- where battles take place

So after researching “Valley” I began to think how does this relate to me and what I’ve been going through and feeling lately? I realize that I am in my valley. I am in a place/season in life where God is holding me if you will. Where He is showing me things, making sure I am where He needs me to be before He can take me to the next level. I’m facing trials, defeating giants, making decisions and learning to rest. My trials are mental and physical. Ive said before that for me it’s a cycle. My physical state effect my mental state. Then my mental effects my physical. For example: my pain levels shoot up and after so much time of being in pain I have a panic attack. Nausea sets in. Stress that I’m dying cause I can’t breathe and wondering will the pain end sets in and makes the attack last longer. Then my body shuts down. It’s a crazy and unfair cycle!

This entire day was a set up!!! God was waiting on me to see if I would do my part by showing up at church. It was a sacrifice but comparing it to His….there is no comparison. He showed me and told me that He hears me and then he showed me where I was in life. Those times where God comes in and cancels all of your doubt are the moments that just put you in awe!! I have to learn to keep the faith and remember that He will heal me in the hard moments. That short-term faith while I’m here in my valley.

Prayer request:

– Angela: healing in kidneys

– Vic: healing in kidneys

– Gunner: continued healing in Brain stem

– Nathan: continued healing in brain and body

– L. M: increase in sleep

– W.B: give peace and strength

– R.C: comfort for family due to a death

– all suffering from mental & physical illnesses

– those fighting cancer

– those fighting depression

– those fighting an invisible illness

I really hope that this has at least made you think. Please leave me a comment! I love reading your thoughts. If you are interested in what’s been going on with me keep reading. If not, have an amazing day!!!

The last few months have been tough! I have made it because of God, encouragement from my mom and dad, prayers from my friends, support from my boyfriend and my Zumba friends! Over the past few weeks panic attacks have come back. I’ve had 3. I’m really not sure of the cause but I think they are pain related. I’ve also been under a lot of stress. I started a business, family stuff and my body is tired. I rest a lot but my body is still exhausted.

Symptoms:

– blurry vision

– muscle fatigue

– muscle cramping

– skin sensitive to touch, air and clothing

– sensitivity to cold

– leg and feet pain

– pain in ribs and chest

– difficultly concentrating

– extreme exhaustion

– lower back pain

– hip pain

– difficultly breathing

– sensitivity to smell. Lately I’ve been smelling like a spicy metal. It’s very random yet aversive!! I smell it in: colognes, perfumes, chapstick, sir freshener, taste it in all sprite and some Mountain Dew 🤷🏾‍♀️.

These are some of the memes that have helped me. Fibro followers I’m sure you can relate. Everyone else probably can too lol.

Obviously this…..

It’s crazy how sitting can exhaust me. The other day I drove home from around the corner and I needed to rest when I got there. 😂😂😂

Well…until God heals me! I will not be doing this for the rest of my life. I have plans!!! Like being a wife, mom and business owner that’s active in everything!!

Pretty much🤷🏾‍♀️And to cope with all of the changes and accept my limitations.

Weather gives me straight up anxiety. I look and calm myself down at the same time.

I made it to the gym 3 days in a row and then my flare got worse. Every time I try and get in a routine my pain gets worse and I have to stop. My mind wants to go everyday but my body is like “uhhhh no” But I am down a total of 14lbs!! I’m excited!

Have an amazing week! Thank you all for encouraging and following me on this journey!!

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Baro Who?

Hello my F4 Tribe!!!

My my has it been a while since I have blogged!!! 2 months!!!!I will attempt to catch you up on life, well what’s been going on in my life. I kind of wish this was a dialogue because I would love to know what you all have been doing. Soooo…. feel free to leave me a quick synopsis of what’s going on under the comments section at the bottom.

Ok so this will be  two part post because I really want to update you BUT  I also want to talk to you about today’s topic; which is……………….. Barometric pressure!!! I absolutely hate it but I am excited to talk about it.

So what is this barometric pressure?

Barometric pressure is atmospheric pressure. (definition from google) I know I know, so official.

How does it affect humans? Well let me tell you what I have been told and experienced.

When asked the question “How does barometric pressure effect you” people with various illnesses said:

  • “I.feel.like.crap”
  • “my head feels like it’s going to pop off”
  • “my back hurts, my shoulders hurt and so do my feet”
  • “I can move”
  • “well, I’ve been in bed all day”
  • “doesn’t bother me much”
  • “my skin hurts on my hands and my legs”

So as I am typing my fingers are beginning to ache and my fingertips are burning as if I have touched something hot. How ironic! And this is why I am making this post. This will be a one part post now. Gotta role with the Fibro punches! So typically hours, sometimes a day before the rain my body begins to hurt. Since my accident I have had no days without pain. That is technically called a “Fibro Flare”. So essentially the traumatic experience or impact of the wreck sent my body into a  flare. And now is raining. I woke up this morning with elevated neck pain, elevated back pain, aching in my limbs, my face (cheek bones and jaw bones) shoulder pain and now my fingers are aching. The ache is similar to a cold, dull yet throbbing pain deep inside the bone. Flares can often be caused by: weather, physical or mental exhaustion or mental/emotional stress. The Fibromyalgia Support Group on Facebook that I speak of sometimes has countless examples of traumatic events that cause people to flares. For example: divorce, cheating spouse, illness of a child or death of friend of family member, car accidents, physical accidents, the common cold, strep  and other illnesses. There is so much that can trigger a flare. Each person is different and each Fibro case is different. Mine started off with extreme muscle cramps that lasted 45 min on average. The symptoms graduated to me not being able to walk sometimes and panic attacks. Now I just have severe pain all over my body. I rarely have pain where I can’t at least walk with a limp (lean with rock with it, haha) or push through it. I may be covered in pain patches BUT I AM MAKING IT!

Other symptoms like headaches, surgery scar tissue or plates, or increased maladaptive behaviors can be caused by barometric pressure change.

Well guys I am going to go rest and my hands have had enough of typing! I have Zumba tonight. YES I STILL TEACH! Now you knew better than to think that. Love you all!!

General Things I’m praying for:

  1. A baby that accidentally shot himself with a nail gun I think (some type of tool). He’s fighting for his life
  2. The family of the 15 year old who killed himself
  3. My friend who has not had more than 3 hours of sleep a night for the past 4-5 months
  4. 2 of my church family members who have broken bones
  5. All who have chronic or mental illnesses who suffer in silence

Songs that are keeping me going:

(ok so….pretty much the entire Songs for the Storm, Vol.1)

And of course my favorite because HE IS tending to me. He sees me. He is keeping me. I am His sheep and He is my Shepherd. And He will come see about me! HE will heal me! Ok let me stop because I when I think about how He is going to heal my bod y from this pain and this illness they say they don’t have a cure from I GET EXCITED and I CAN’T HELP BUT PRAISE HIM!!! WHEWWWWWW! He is So Good!

Have an amazing week Tribe and don’t forget to let me know how you are. Have you had or do you know anyone who experiences symptoms from barometric pressure? If so let me know!!

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Tin Woman

Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

Fibromyalgia is diagnosed by general pain all over and pain in 18 (9 pairs) pressure points as indicated by red dots.

I rarely have pain in all of them. Thank God!! Recently I have had pain in 6/9 of them (black circles). In addition I had nerve related pain across my upper back, muscle spasms in my right upper back, pain the the center of my hands and feet, burning in my hip that radiates fire down to my thigh, pain in my tail bone and fire in my legs. The extra pain is circled in blue. The days have been hard but I managed to work and have a partial social life and go to church!!! I am pretty proud of myself. I feel like a tin man. Everything is tight and hurts.

 Thursday:

Ok so I fell asleep last night before I posted. This morning has not started off awesome physically but I am making it. I know people are praying for me and that is keeping me going today. I am trying to keep my mind busy and maybe it wont realize I am in pain. It’s not working yet but hey i’m hopeful lol. Today I really don’t feel good or even ok.

Friday:

Last was great! We had an amazing Zumba class. It always does my soul good to be around the women in my class. There is so much love and support in that one room. It’s so refreshing!!!

I forgot my shoes so I had to wear my converse. I wasn’t elated but thought….. I see other instructors teach in them so it’ll be fine! I got this, I’ll be fine! I mean my feet were already hurting so it couldn’t really get worse. It didn’t! I made it! Now I was tired and won’t ever wear those again but…. I made it! Heading home I was almost in tears thinking about walking Cade 🐶. A friend came and walked him for me. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾 I am so thankful for the people in my life!

It’s 4am and I’ve been up for awhile due to radiating pain in my thighs, calf’s and feet. The bones in my feet feel like they’re breaking AND IM STILL LAYING DOWN!!!! I am dreading getting up.

Self-check/transparent moment: I am noticing I am developing a fear or some type of anxiety when I think about moving or facing the pain. Hmm, I’m use to the go getter mindset! What is this? Adding this to my prayer journal. Gotta figure it out and squash that! IMMEDIATELY! God has not given me a spirit of fear BUT the Lord has given me power, love and a sound mind!!! Devil I see you 👀. Get that mess out of here!! (2 Timothy 1:7)

And we’re back! Ok let me get up and walk the dog and get ready for work! I got this!!!

I haven’t moved yet… 20 min later

“Ok on the count of 3 I’m getting up and just doing it”

Today has been long and hard and I’m going to bed.

Saturday:

OMG IT IS 60+ degrees and the sun is out!! I feel so amazing! So adventurous! So ready for anything! So I feel so alive!!! I rested about 3 hours, slept for 2 last night but magically I feel good! Well better lol. Good, I’m not sure I remember what that feels like🤷🏾‍♀️. I have so much to do today but I can get it all done and be back in bed by 5pm!

Ready. Set. Let’s do this……

Today was so great! I did make myself rest a few hours just because when I feel good I start feeling like superwoman then the next day I feel it in every fiber of my being. But I went to the batting cages tonight! And went 2 rounds!!!!!! I haven’t done that in years. Ahhhhh it’s been such a good day. I’m laying across my bed just reminiscing over all of the events of the day. I’m so blessed!! I pray it is pretty out tomorrow as well 🙏🏾

Sunday:

Happy Sunday people!!!!! This morning I started off my day with a prayer to heal a friend and within a few hours they were feeling better. I know that God is NOT a respecter of persons so I know that my healing is coming!! Complete restoration of every moment I lost hurting, joy for every tear I cried, rest for every night I laid awake and movement!!!! I will move freely and fluidly again without the concern of pain. And most of all I will share how God healed my body and those problems I USE to have I DONT HAVE ANYMORE!! “But your condition is chronic and there is no cure”. That’s what man says BUT God, My GOD says:

“For I will restore health unto thee, and I will heal thee of thy wounds, saith the Lord; because they called thee an Outcast, saying, This is Zion, whom no man seeketh after.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭30:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭54:17‬ ‭KJV‬‬

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭KJV‬‬

I pray your week is amazing!! Talk to me. What scripture keeps you going? What quote helps you when you’re down?

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There’s Hope

It doesn’t cost a thing to smile and you don’t have to pay to laugh. Er better thank God for that. -India Arie

Hello F4 Tribe!!!!

Soooo much has happened since I last blogged. I I’ll try to catch you up

Body:

So my body has held up well. There has been 2 panic attacks, 2 shut downs and only a few not so awesome/unmanageable days, that I managed of course lol.

Symptoms:

blurred to loss of vision, nausea/vomiting and constant leg and feet pain. Fatigue body and lungs😂! Y’all sometimes walking has me so exhausted and breathing heavy I have to take a break😂😂. The knot on my wrist is back and bigger. It makes my right hand a little “flappy”.

On the bad days I push through. On the awful days I lay down. On the good days I rejoice!

Meds:

Still off of all prescribed meds. Pain is an weekday occurrence and sometimes gets pretty awful. I’m not taking anything heavier than naproxen 500 and ibuprofen 800. I usually take about 1,800 mg day. I’m sure this is too much but🤷🏾‍♀️ right now it’s what I have. I researched and I can take up to 3200mg daily,

Realizations:

1-Lots of stress was coming from my job and my ex and internally not dealing with my emotions.

2- There were devils sent to destroy me and they weren’t red and slimy

3- I need God more than ever!! My relationship with God was pulling me closer.

4- Some people come into your life for only a season and after that season they need to exit. Not necessarily because of a disagreement but because their season is over.

5- I am enough just the way I am. I will continue working to be the woman I am supposed to be. Until then I’m removing all excess from my life!!

Events:

1- Birthday (33) Great day

2- family trip- interesting but amazing!!! White water rafting

3- stopped going to the office so much. Anxiety decreased drastically!

4- person who I had a friendship with in the past got engaged and mentioned nothing to me. He is mentioned in a previous post. Found out on IG along with thousands of others. His response was no time….. yes I read it on IG🤷🏾‍♀️ Its crazy how a person can cause the same emotion twice without even being aware. I’m elated that he has found happiness. I also see I need to change the value of our friendship. I clearly think more of him than he does of me.

5- blocked several people from my social media accounts and from my life!!! Not everyone deserves access.

6- 4th Cancerversary!!!! The tea is this weekend!! So excited!

7- actually had a conversation with my ex. Shared how I felt. We don’t see eye to eye but maybe he won’t do the same to the next girl.

8- started working on my mental state!!

9- Cade got sick. He has hookworms 😕😢. He was taken to the vet and is feeling better. He ate up a couch cushion last night! 1

10- I went to saved in the City for the first time! Such an amazing life changing event! 11- finished my class and registered for my next!!

12- started preparing for my business!!

13- went to my friends gender reveal

14- had an amazing “Teal Tea” to celebrate my 4th year being cancer free!!!! It was soooo amazing to be surrounded by so many friends and family!!! To hear some of the things they think of m really touched my heart. My sister even said something…. twice!!!!! She never talks in public! My besties and goddaughters were there! Y’all my mom worked sooo hard to help me do this event!!! I am so beyond thankful for my superwoman!!!! I was up from 4am until 12am and moving around! My body is exhausted!! But I am now done and ready for the holiday! I am resting all day long.

Goals:

1- spend more time with me! Loving on me and getting to know me. Take my self out at least 1 time a week. Learn to enjoy me. Learn to be ok in this single time of my life.

2- spend more time with God. Strengthen my prayer life. I want to be on fire for God.

3- let go of people in my life who have at any point, that I wasn’t enough. Or have proven that they aren’t a friend to me. I have a tendency to hold on to people. Even people who have intentionally harmed me! I find a way to forgive them and when doing that I allow them to stay in my life. But I never forget that feeling they caused me. So now I pray that as I begin to break away from these bonds that God sustains me in their absence.

4- work on being a good steward of my time, finances and mental space.

5- learn to say no!

Songs: This is my favorite part

Waymaker

Won’t He Do It (Remix)

Lord You Are Good

War

I Got That (Hip Hop)

Bible Verses:

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Philippians‬ ‭3:13-14‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.”

‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭12:25‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭3:20‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:34‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt to be your God. I am the Lord your God.”

Numbers‬ ‭15:41‬ ‭NIV‬‬

I will/He will be with you. Never leave or forsake you!

Joshua 1:5, Deuteronomy 31:6 &31:8

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It’s 3:35am. My body is tired. The pain is real but I know it’s because I haven’t been able to rest in 2 weeks. I have so many bruises and sore spots on my legs. My teeth feel like they may come out and my face may cave in!!! Lol but It was worth it!!!

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Focus on the Butterfly 🦋

Hey guys I wanted to update you all on my life since my last post.

My life. My. Life!

Lord I am thankful for my life.

There have been some ugly caterpillar moments but my oh my have they produced some beautiful butterflies moments.

In my last post I spoke about be suffering from …. well being in a state of depression. I understand it was a tough post to read. It was tough to write! But sharing that helped me. It helped start lifting a weight off of me that I had no idea was so heavy. Life is still hitting me like the waves in the wave pool but I’m learning to hold my ground!

I read this and my pastor spoke on the things that you focus on are bigger than what they really may be.

So I’ve been trying to keep my mind focused on what I want, how I will feel, that I am healed and just busy on loving others!!! It is hard and everyday I have thoughts that aren’t of God’s will for my life. Everyday I have a moment where I still feel like I’m suffocating BUT everyday it gets easier! Everyday I can breathe a bit better! Everyday I take some of me back!!

The song Already Getting Better by William Murphy says:

“It’s already getting better. It’s already getting easier. God’s already moving on my behalf”

Lately I have been hearing about “waking up” “seeking what God wants” and I had a brief thought of we tell those dead situations to love in our lives but we don’t speak to the living situations we need to die! I know. Very backwards from what we hear. Then God dropped in my spirit “Jesus told Lazarus to get up” and he did! Then my pastor mentioned the story of Laz and how Jesus wept when he heard Lazarus had passed. He wept even though he knew he could bring him back. To me this shows he is not immune to what we are going through. He sees us, he hears us, he mourns in our pain. But when it’s time to get up…. He says get up!! I have decided to speak to this living disease and tell it to die! It and all of the crap it has reproduced: other illnesses, depression, brain fog, skin irritation, muscle spasms, blurred vision to leave because it CAN NOT live here! Not here in my body!!!

I feel like I’m getting lighter! Then I hear a raspy negative voice saying “you know you’re not really better. Just like when your old clients would stop taking meds because they only FELT better”. I have to rebuke that voice constantly. I also have set my timer with positive messages to go off every few hours. For example “you’re worthy” “you’re amazing” “reflect on what you’ve already overcome” and some scriptures. If what I focus on becomes my thoughts then it will be good!

Now with that my pain has increased, my vision has been almost completely gone in my right eye for 2 days and my left is very blurry, my feet feel like they are going to pop and my lips…. I’m having some sort of reaction to something 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. And work has kicked my butt lately… literally I was kicked in the butt and dodged lots of objects and was hit with a few😂😂😂 Through all of this I am still ok! I am ok! I feel ok! Y’all it’s been so long since I’ve actually been ok. I have tears of joy🙌🏾 and gratefulness!!! Oh and day 14 with no prescribed medication. It hasn’t been easy and I do not recommend everyone try it. Everyone is a different place in life and on their journey. I’m not sure how long this will help me or that I can do it but right now I am doing it! I can’t think about tomorrow yet but today, At this very moment I am doing it!!

I have previously spoken about the relation between emotional and physical pain. Last night I heard a message about the body, the soul and the spirit.

“A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit”

-Proverbs 15:13

One of the ladies said her mom used to say “it hurt me, broke me, made me mad BUT I bet it won’t kill me!” I think this is sooooo good! We all experience moments in life that suck the feeling right out of you. Be it a break up, an assault, abuse etc we all have had that moment of hurt. So now what? We have to identify the source of the hurt to start the healing process. For me it’s by reminding myself that I am worthy of the things my heart desires. Second, I have to repent for the wrongs I have done. This eliminates guilt. You can’t heal with a guilty conscience. Third, allow yourself to enjoy your life. Actually enjoy it. I have not mastered these things but I am working in them daily.

I am so very grateful for Him pulling me through when I was ready to throw in the towel! I am grateful for the things I have endured in my caterpillar stage because I know I will be a beautiful butterfly!! And then I will help others be beautiful butterflies as well. Back to my motto for the year: live more, love more, do more😍. I am loving the relationship I am building with God. I enjoy reading His words, hearing his promises and watching how He finds me in my mess and loves it out of me. I don’t deserve His mercy but He gives it anyway.

I am learning this beautiful caterpillar because she deserves that . I will keep fighting for her!

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